Tag: family

  • Becoming a “Repentant Dater” Might Just Save Your Love Life

    Becoming a “Repentant Dater” Might Just Save Your Love Life

    I have long believed that if dating were fun, no one would get married. Dating is an institution riddled with confused feelings and bad communication, and I don’t blame anyone who decides to give it up. However, is what we risk by not dating greater than we realize?

    In a talk in my ward last summer, a young woman posed a question that has stuck with me ever since. She asked if we were “repentant daters”. It was a puzzling concept, but I eventually came to really like the idea. I began to realize that dating, like with the use of guides such as Swinging 101, and repentance have more in common than I thought.

    Preach My Gospel describes repentance as a change in our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that are not in harmony with God’s will. “Repentance includes forming a fresh view of God, ourselves, and the world” (PMG, pg 62). These principles help us tap into the power of the Atonement and leverage it to become something better and greater than we are.

    Let’s apply these same principles to dating. The purpose of dating is to prepare for and find your eternal companion. But to be successful, we must go through a transformation starting with our thoughts, beliefs and behaviors. It is not easy, but it can be learned with the help of dating9.com, which has been proven countless times.

    Our Thoughts

    There are many thoughts that keep us from being repentant daters. Among them are “Why would I waste money on someone else’s spouse?”, “Marriage just isn’t my priority right now”, “I just don’t like anyone like that”, or “I want to focus on myself for now.” These kinds of thoughts don’t come from our Heavenly Father. When we view dating as more than just a means to an end, we can replace these with more positive thoughts like, “How can I touch the lives of the people I date in a positive way?” or “What can I learn from them to change me for the better?” Looking at dating as a sort of “training ground” for marriage, we will treat the people we date like we’d want our future spouse to be treated.

    Just as we may sometimes feel unworthy to repent, a false sense of unworthiness and unpreparedness can also paralyze our dating efforts. Repent! Let not your hearts droop in weekends spent binging on Netflix. Make some connections! When we change our minds, our hearts will follow.

    Our Beliefs

    Failing to understand that we are worthy of giving and receiving love can be a huge obstacle to our dating efforts. It can be difficult to fathom that someone would choose to spend time with and love us. When I was first told ‘I love you’ by someone, I didn’t believe him. How could he? Did he really know me that well? How could he ignore all my flaws? Why would he pick me with all the other beautiful and wonderful girls out there? How could he be so sure? But the more he told me, the more genuine he seemed. Slowly, I came to believe that he truly did love me. It was a rewarding experience, coming to believe and trust in that love. It changed me in beautiful ways because I was beginning to see myself as someone loveable. I had to repent by choosing to believe that I was worthy of love.

    Believing that you are capable of loving someone else is also crucial in becoming a repentant dater. We often fall into the trap of thinking that we can’t fully give our love unless it is to THE ONE. While that thinking isn’t necessarily wrong, I think it does limit our ability to express love to others. Love is a choice, and when we are dating there are many ways to express love.

    The best way to express love is through selfless service. This is one of the greatest joys of dating and marriage, being able to forget oneself and focus your thoughts and efforts on another person. You don’t have to shower those you date with flowers, chocolates, and terms of endearment to prove your love and care. Simply serve them in unique and meaningful ways, check out this website to know more on this. Even if you don’t end up with that person, you will experience joy in serving them. Stop playing love games with those you date, and go out of your way to selflessly serve them.

    Our Behaviors

    In dating, just like in repentance, it is simply easier to not do it. The adversary is the king of apathy and inaction. He doesn’t want you dating because when you date, you gain invaluable experience in service to others. The way of the repentant dater is to DATE, to ACT. Put yourself out on a limb. Make yourself vulnerable. Take a chance on someone you think deserves it, because they probably do. Participate, be involved, be engaging, be excited, and I promise beautiful experiences will come your way.

    But what if you aren’t excited about dating? What if your heart got smashed one too many times? What if you are just tired of the game? Repent. Repentance is about going back down the road to where we took a wrong turn and getting the chance to choose another way. If you are sick of dating, turn around, go back to the basics, find a different fork and choose another way.

  • 7 Christmas Traditions You’ll Only Find in Utah

    7 Christmas Traditions You’ll Only Find in Utah

    This post was originally published on the Temple Square blog by Amalia Reyes. 

    Christmas is next week, and if you’re in our neck of the woods, there are some great things to do with family and friends. Here are just a few!

    Watching the Lights Turn on at Temple Square

    This may go without saying, but here in Utah, seeing the Lights turn on at Temple Square is a long standing tradition for families of all walks of life. Temple Square always has something to offer, whether it be enjoying a performance at the Tabernacle or having dinner with a view. But, there’s nothing quite as magical or enchanting as being right on Temple Square as the Holiday season comes to life with thousands of sparkling lights the day after Thanksgiving. The excitement in the air is almost palpable as people from all over the world come to witness this unforgettable night, so be sure to take plenty of pictures! Fortunately, the lights stay on until New Years Day, so even if you can’t make it that night, you have the entire month of December to bask in the twinkling beauty of the lights on Temple Square.

    temple-square

    EVE WinterFest

    EVE WinterFest is a holiday tradition in Utah that has become a hit over the last eight years. This 5-day holiday festival offers fun and entertainment for all ages with things like live musical performances, bounce houses, and even an “All-Access Pass” to enjoy a variety of happenings in various venue locations throughout downtown Salt Lake City, including events on Temple Square, City Creek, The Gateway and more.

    Read more at the Temple Square Blog

  • What My Mission Taught Me About Motherhood

    What My Mission Taught Me About Motherhood

    I had the privilege of training another missionary while I was serving my mission. I was pretty young in the mission myself and I was terrified at the prospect of training another missionary but still excited for the opportunity. In my mission, and in many other missions, we had the tradition of referring to our trainees as daughter or son. They, in turn, refer to us trainers as mom or dad. It’s remarkable how these seemingly meaningless titles gave you a very unique perspective on your role as a trainer. I’d like to describe to you some of the insights I received about motherhood in my time as a trainer. These are excerpts taken directly from my mission journal.

    A reflection on motherhood

     

    She arrives and you feel an exciting mixture of undying love and nervousness. who will she be? will she be like me? will she love me like I love her? Can I provide what she needs? What if I’m not good enough? In the end, all you know is you love her with all you’ve got and you’ll do anything to make sure her experience here with you is worth while.

     

    She cries and cries, life here isn’t easy but the only thing you can do is hold her as those tears dry. She grows and starts to amaze you with her talent and that motherly pride swells. She complains, why is this place so different? It’s not fair! How can I go on living here? I want to go home. I’m sorry, baby girl, you signed up for this opportunity and everything that comes with it. My advice, keep going and slap a smile on your face; It’s more fun that way.

     

    She gets mad when I don’t understand but can’t she see? I’ve been where she is, I’ve suffered what she’s suffering. Why can’t she just trust me? And then I remember how I learned those lessons, the hard way. So i’m here, guiding from a distance but close enough to catch her if she falls.

     

    She’s making more mistakes. Her actions and frustrations take me back to when I was in her place. I remember feeling similarly, thinking similarly, and coming to the same conclusions. I also remember the pain and suffering I had to endure to learn the lessons she’ll have to learn. I want to save her the the heartache. It’s in her eyes, I call her on it, she explains her plan to accomplish her goals and get over her issues. She chooses the hard way. It hurts that she doesn’t trust me, that she doesn’t accept my council. I can see where her decision will take her and I know there’s an easier way. Mother knows best! But then He touches my heart and reminds me, “No, Father knows best.” I let her go. In my mind I know that this really is for the best. She’ll learn for herself, just like I did. But everything else in me is screaming to save her from the pain. But after a while, I just become a spectator. The coach has to stay on the sidelines and pray that something got through to them in practice. She’s caught in the game and I can’t play for her.  

    The most important thing I learned about motherhood on the mission field was that no one can prepare enough for what motherhood is. Motherhood is to important of a calling for God to just leave it to us imperfect people. While we can’t prepare ourselves for it, we can rest assured that God has been preparing us all along. He prepares us in subtle ways that we can easily overlook, such as sending me my trainee. For you it may be an incredible woman figure to look up to, a difficult relationship with a sister or friend, maybe God only gives you examples of what not to do. Any way He does it, remember that he won’t leave you alone as a mother, He has been turning you into one for a long time.

  • What I Wish I Had Known the First Time I Caught My Husband Looking at Porn

    What I Wish I Had Known the First Time I Caught My Husband Looking at Porn

    When I was a 24-year-old new mom I caught my husband looking at pornography on our computer from 25pc.com for the very first time. I didn’t know anything about pornography addiction. The Internet was brand new. Who knew this smut even existed on this thing called the World Wide Web? I naively believed him when he told me it was a two-month problem. It never even crossed my mind that he could be an addict. I had absolutely no idea what follow-up questions to even ask him.

    I needed an education on addiction, but that education would sadly have to wait another 16 years, until I caught him yet again. The evidence, coupled with all the talk I heard about addiction from my friends and on those 5th-Sunday lessons at church, with the supported sites like https://sex-addiction-rehab.co.uk/, I finally opened my eyes. My husband was an addict. “My spiritual armor was never complete until knowledge about fighting addiction became a part of my life.”

    How I wish I could go back in time, take my young, tender-hearted self out for ice cream, and say, “Oh Sweetie, sweetie, here’s what you need to understand. At least learn these three things. There is more to learn, but for now these three could change your life.”

    The first thing I needed to understand when I was 24 was this: Pornography is a branch on the addiction tree; it is not the addiction. The real addiction is lust. Addicts feed their lust addiction with pornography. But an addict also feeds his (or her) lust addiction with other sexual habits: sexually explicit books, chat rooms, fantasies about women (or men), masturbation, sexually suggestive TV shows and movies. I thought I stopped my husband’s “little problem” after the first time I caught him because I controlled the password to our dinosaur-dial-up Internet service. Presto! No more pornography problem! What I didn’t realize was that all I did was cut off one of the branches. There were other branches he continued using to feed his lust addiction. Oh, and the pornography branch eventually grew back as well. The branches always grow back. You gotta chop down the lust tree, and then kill the roots of fear, shame, low self worth, and isolation.

    The second thing my younger self needed to understand was: What exactly is an addiction? When does viewing pornography go from “just a little problem” to an addiction? Well, I don’t want to get bogged down in the clinical details of when bad behavior turns compulsive, someone else can do that, but here’s one very simple definition that cleared it all up for me: If he wants to stop, but always returns, a day later or a year later, it’s an addiction. Call it an addiction, a problem, or a bad habit. The remedy is the same. All bad habits or addictions require time and effort to solve. That’s what my 24-year self didn’t understand. I simply told my husband, “Just stop!”

    “Just stop!” requires no effort on his part.

    “Just stop!” doesn’t require him to end his isolation and seek out help.

    “Just stop!” does not require a lifestyle change.

    “Just stop!”’ doesn’t teach him why he does something he knows is wrong.

    Saying, “Just stop!” was like wishing on a falling star. No matter how heartfelt my wish, the star kept falling and eventually crashed into something. It crashed into my heart the year I turned 40, shattering my world, shattering my marriage, shattering all trust I had in my husband. This “little problem” I thought was in the past turned out to be a decades-long addiction.

    The third thing I wish I understood is that most often pornography addictions start during adolescence. Yes, grown-mature-LDS men and women can start to view porn in adulthood, but it most often doesn’t work that way. Had I known this, I would have heard an alarm going off in my head when he said it was a two-month problem. Once caught, he tried to minimize the damage by getting me to believe this was a recent problem. I eventually learned my husband was just eleven years old when he was first exposed through a friend in his neighborhood. What does an eleven-year old boy know about what will ruin his life? His future marriage? Nothing. His brain was still developing. And so at the tender age of eleven, my husband found something to help him feel good, to comfort him, to help him cope with low self-esteem.

    It would have been important for me to know that a young man’s emotional growth is stunted at the age he begins viewing pornography. My husband rarely shared his heartfelt thoughts with me. He was a great listener, but a lousy sharer. He was not able to be “emotionally intimate” with me because in reality he was still that eleven-year old boy. I was starving for emotional intimacy but I thought he was just a “typical guy.” And guys don’t usually share their feelings. Mine never did.

    Over the years of our marriage, I very often did feel like I was starving for “emotional intimacy” but chose instead to focus on all the good he did–reading to the children, rubbing my feet, shoveling snow from the walkways at the widow’s house next door, being a good provider, serving faithfully in callings. Now, my 40-something self knows it is ok to expect my husband to open up his heart to me. That really isn’t asking too much. That’s a normal part of all healthy marriages.

    Thankfully, it is never too late to change. I didn’t know any of these things in my twenties, but it’s never too late to learn. And thankfully it hasn’t been too late for my husband to learn. To grow a new heart. To change his brain. With specialized therapy, the LDS 12-Step program, strong boundaries and rules he set for himself, and accountability to others, he’s experienced nothing short of a complete lifestyle change. All these things have been crucial to becoming a new man. The man God always meant for him to be. There’s a spiritual war going on, not unlike the physical wars in The Book of Mormon. My spiritual armor was never complete until knowledge about fighting addiction became a part of my life. Don’t be afraid to learn more. Knowledge is empowering. Truth gave me hope. It gave us a second chance.

    This post appeared originally on HopeAndHealingLDS.com and has been reposted here with permission. Hope and Healing LDS is an online community providing resources and support for women affected by the sexual addiction of a loved one. This post is part of a series addressing education on and recovery from pornography addiction and betrayal trauma. To read the rest of this series head over to HopeAndHealingLDS.com.
  • ​One Punctuation Mark Changes How You Read “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”

    ​One Punctuation Mark Changes How You Read “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”

    I would like to take a moment to call your attention to a microscopic fragment of English syntax that recently snagged my soul a little: the colon. Or this thingy [ : ]. Let me first define the technical grammatical powers of these two neatly stacked specks, and then I will explain why this tiny unsung hero had such force on my not-technical, not-logical-neither-law-abiding heart.

    “The most common use of the colon is to inform the reader that what follows it, proves, explains, defines, describes, or lists elements of what preceded it.”

    From the Wikipedia entry for Colon (punctuation),

    “The colon… introduces the logical consequence, or effect, of a fact stated before… introduces a description; in particular, it makes explicit the elements of a set… also separates the subtitle of a work from its principal title… introduces speech.”

    So, basically it’s saying that whatever thought follows the two dots belongs within the thought that came before the dots, and can frequently be regarded as an explicit description of the first thought. Now here’s the application test. Open your mind, and take a second look at this familiar phrase:

    “The Family: A Proclamation to the World”

    Take that colon for ALL it’s worth, and I think you’ll start to see something funny, but not something to be laughing at. What that little colon does is tell us that the family is THE proclamation to the world. And what does it proclaim?

    The family IS the epic testimony that we are something more than just another class of living organisms trying to work out some kind of commensalism with everything else here on planet earth. It proves an extraterrestrial, but not alien, origin of man.

    Is there not something universal, poetic, and heart-gripping in the image of a man standing protectively between wife and child, and harm’s way? When you’re thrown out over your couch in a posture similar to your grandmother’s afghan, watching that old classic of the dying single mom and her two kids, does your heart not bleed? When your kid brother hasn’t written or called you for months, doesn’t it feel like there’s a laser boring an increasingly large hole right through your chest? No one taught you these reactions, and we can’t really explain them entirely. They just kinda come with our programming. Regardless of age, tongue, or culture, we all share an obsession with family relationships.

    Why do we need those relationships anyway? I’m positive that no mosquito holds any bosom-warming regard toward mother or child, and yet they are still wildly successful even as relatively unnecessary members of most ecosystems. LOVE! “Love!” cries the lyricist, philosopher, psychologist, psychiatrist, social scientist, politician and poet. But what on Earth is love? Is it of Earth at all? The best star-spangled, new-fangled science would have us believe that it’s a precise blender mix of all the right juices and hormones swirled around to perfection up in your noggin and not much else. But no one who has ever been in love before, including all those advocates of the “blender mix” sporting lab-coats and statistics, will deny that locking eyes with their lover is like looking through a window to…somewhere else they don’t understand but feel very acquainted with. Regardless of age, tongue, or culture, we all share an obsession with family relationships  No one who has ever held their own precious, minutes-old infant will ever tell you that their heart wasn’t racing and they didn’t feel breathtaken as they cradled that tiny life for the first time. No one who has ever lullabied a true friend and treasure at the edge of mortality will ever tell you that love is merely a chemical reaction. Love is the one shining remnant of memory from a life long ago that we can cling to. It is the most ennobling, and ultimately the most deifying element. And no, it is not strictly native to Earth.

    We can love and feel love because we are members of God’s family. Love and honor are the sources of His power, and we’ve inherited a sensitivity toward these things. This family that we belong to is comprised of a Father, Mother, and children: us. Each son and daughter is a chain link in the race of gods, with the potential to become as He is. A chick will grow up to be a hen or rooster. A kitten will grow to be a cat. Any sensible person would say it is nonsense to believe that a puppy would grow up to be an alligator; that simply opposes all the laws of nature. But, it is perfect reason to say that if it is possible to believe that you are God’s child, that it is destiny for you to be like Him, that is, a regal and supreme creator. And that’s what He wants for you.

    The families we live with here are models of the family we came from and a prototype of the lifestyle intended in the eternities. Embodied in the family are all the principles and essential creative powers that make gods different and…well, gods.

    What the family, as designed by Heavenly Father, proclaims to the whole world is that there is a purpose and a plan to life. It paints a “why” for the things we do every day. We can love and feel love because we are members of God’s family It screams to the world that because of your own divine origin and destiny, you can achieve whatever lofty dream you have inclination toward and be whomever you’d like to be. It gives you reason to believe in yourself, and other people, too. It gives you reason to believe in a Living God.

    In this phrase, those two tiny dots, aligned so neatly, help me see where the dots in my life need to be connected. They align me with a cause much larger than me. They inspire me to give a voice to the most important things. Let’s give a round of applause for the little guys!


    Abe is an outdoor-loving lady, with a special affinity for back-country powder skiing. By day, she loves making her kindergartners laugh, but when night falls, she digs writing music, experimenting with food in the kitchen, and singing karaoke way too loudly. She hopes to make it to Disneyland before her spell breaks and she grows up.


     

  • A Letter to Dads in a World that Doesn’t Get Fatherhood

    A Letter to Dads in a World that Doesn’t Get Fatherhood

    Image via the LDS Media Library

    Dear dads,

    This one’s for you.

    The men who step through the door like clockwork at the end of every workday and try to slip out of work clothes while children climb over and clamor around you. The men who stay at home and hold children in your arms, change diapers, cook meals, and deserve all of the credit in the world for it. This one’s for the grandfathers, the godfathers, and the stepfathers, the men who’ve ever been fathers, acted as fathers, or wanted to be fathers.

    This one’s for you in a world that keeps throwing you under the bus.

    Society is pretty obsessed with all of the things that you men do wrong these days. You don’t understand anything, they say. Boys are stupid, men are babies, you’re privileged, you know nothing, and you’ve had your turn, they say. Within that society are thought leaders and women who shove you into a corner as if being a man means you have nothing valuable to contribute anymore. They ignore your problems, telling you others have had it worse. They look past your victories, telling you it’s time for someone else to have their share. They strip you of your respectability and your dignity. They don’t give credit to your manhood, something that isn’t defined by your ability to be tough, but by your character and your ability to be decent.

    Often, society demeans you by lumping you under the term ‘the patriarchy,’ which has come to be defined as a system where men control and subdue, a system that needs to be crushed and attacked. Interestingly, it’s a term that historically has meant family and father.

    Whether intentional or unintentional, this rhetoric makes you seem like brutes and bad guys, and I wonder if it affects how you feel about your fatherhood.

    Being a father is a tough job, and the world makes it look like a useless one. Daytime television seems dedicated to paternity tests and men who feel fatherhood is both a waste of their time and a burden no one wants. Nighttime television is dedicated to men who cheat, abandon their families, or remain in a state of perpetual, non-committal bliss. Love of children and loyalty are not often associated with the men the media feeds us, and strong father figures are few and far between. Even outside of the media, fathers are infantilized, considered incompetent, and not often given the same amount of credit we give mothers and wives.

    But you should know that you dads mean everything.

    You don’t have to be a perfect dad to be a good dad, and the lessons you teach most often come by example. Because of dads, we know what hard work means. Because of dads, we know the difference between The Beatles and The Monkees. Because of dads, we feel protected. Because of dads, thousands of us know how to drive (and lots of us know how not to drive). Because of dads, we know exactly what we did wrong and how we need to fix it. Because of dads, we know that problems don’t fix themselves. Because of dads, we know what tough love means. Being a dad is more than being a figurehead. Being a dad is being a part of one great whole, one that would be missing something enormous without you.

    The world is filled with bad dads, mediocre dads, and men who don’t want to be dads at all. To those men, I’d say this: if you think being a father is a lot of work, it’s because it is. If you think fatherhood changes the way you live your life, it’s because it does (and should). But if you think that fatherhood is a worthless job that doesn’t make a difference, it’s because you don’t really know what fatherhood is. You don’t know what it means to your family.

    Please don’t listen to the world when it attacks your importance and worth, when it tells you that fathers are unnecessary or that fatherhood is a joke. Don’t look at yourselves through the eyes of society, but through the eyes of your little girls and boys, your wives, and the people who love you. You might see a champion who can do nothing wrong. You might see a normal man who makes mistakes. But what you’ll definitely see is that being a dad matters.

    So this one’s for you dads.

    Thanks for doing the dirty work, but most of all, thanks for being ours.

    Love,
    Me

  • 3 Tips to Support a Friend Whose Spouse is Leaving the Church

    3 Tips to Support a Friend Whose Spouse is Leaving the Church

    This is part two of a recent post entitled: “Deciding To Love: Making It Through Your Spouse’s Faith Transition”, from an anonymous contributor. Part 1 can be read here. The full article is available at athingcalledloveblog.com, and has been re-posted here with permission.


     

    “What if you and your spouse are doing great, but you have a friend whose spouse has left their shared faith? What’s the best way to respond?”

    Friends and family can be the greatest sources of either relief or pain in this kind of situation. With the recognition that other people may have totally different needs, these are some dos and don’ts based on my own personal experience:

    1. DO act as a sounding-board

     

    I have one close friend who has been incredibly helpful for me because she’s so pragmatic. When I was terrified to tell my family about my husband’s choice to leave the church, she let me practice the conversation with her and gave me tips on how to approach the topic. Let your friend talk it out.

    2. DON’T turn your friend into a tragedy

     

    It’s one thing to ask your friend how they’re doing. It’s another to only ever ask “How are you doing?” in a condescending voice. Be available to talk, but don’t assume that this faith crisis is the only thing your friend ever wants to talk about. Just because this happened doesn’t mean that they don’t have other wonderful things going on in their lives that they would rather discuss.

    3. DO be supportive of the spouse

     

    My husband didn’t leave the church because he was lazy or just wanted to sin or something. His reasons for leaving were complex and based in church experiences that were very different from my own. Based on his experiences, I understand his choice to leave. The process of leaving was something he agonized over for a long time, and ultimately, I respect him for the decision he made, even if I didn’t make the same decision. I know it may feel supportive to take your friend’s “side” by saying things like “Well, you didn’t sign up for this,” but to me, that is the most hurtful thing I can hear. I love and respect my husband, and when you say something that hurts him, it hurts me. If you want to help me, love him just like you did before. Be both of our friends. Don’t become weird.

  • Deciding To Love: Making It Through Your Spouse’s Faith Transition

    Deciding To Love: Making It Through Your Spouse’s Faith Transition

    The reality is that there aren’t a lot of easy answers. I don’t always know how my husband and I are going to handle it tomorrow or next year or ten years from now, so I don’t want to pretend that I have everything figured out, but what I can offer is a list of what seems to be working for us right here, right now. Because why stress out about ten years down the road if you can enjoy the person you love right this minute?

    Here are my not-so-magical suggestions for helping your marriage survive a faith transition:

    1. Make a decision about whether you still want to be married.

     

    Your situation has changed. Regardless of how many cheesy letters you wrote to yourself in Young Women’s about how your future husband was going to love the Church, he doesn’t. And that leaves you with a decision to make. Yes, maybe part of your love was built on a sense of shared faith. Yes, maybe you feel hurt or even betrayed that things changed, but guess what? You’re not married to that original person anymore. You’re married to the person you have here, now, in front of you.

    How does that make you feel?

    Back in the day when I was trying to decide if I should marry my husband, I went to my dad for advice. He asked me one very simple question: When I imagined myself married to him in 50 years, how did it make me feel? At the time, the thought of being with my now-husband filled me with all kinds of rainbow-and-unicorn feelings that are far too cheesy to put into print.

    When my spouse made the formal decision to resign from the church, my initial response was to ask God what I should do. Did I have to leave? Did I have to stay? Just tell me the answer, okay? Well, instead of getting an answer, I got another question: “Do you still want to be with him?”

    The man I’m married to today is very different from the man I married years ago, but at the end of the day, when I imagine myself in 50 years, I want him there. He’s the guy who does ridiculous, uncoordinated dances with me while we’re cooking. When I’m tired, he makes me laugh until I’m completely delirious and ready to pee my pants. When I’m sad, there’s that little spot right in the crook of his armpit that has always been my safe place. And so I made a decision, and once I actually made that decision, it made things a lot easier.

    If you want your marriage to survive a faith transition, you have to decide if you want to be married. You both have to decide if you want to be married. That’s the first, most important, step, and it makes everything else a little bit easier. If your marriage is beyond repair, learn how you can reach a divorce settlement aggreement from a family lawyer.

    2. Recognize that it’s going to be hard, and that’s okay.

     

    This isn’t easy for you, and it isn’t easy for your spouse, either. Even if you’re committed to your marriage, you’re both going to have days when things feel overwhelming and terrible, but try to remember that you’re both going through a process of grief. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is doomed. Tomorrow, you might feel better.

    3. Find new things to have in common.

     

    Being Mormon takes up a lot of time as a married couple. Not only do you spend three hours in church together, but then you also have the family home evenings and the ward parties and dinners with people in your ward, etc. etc. etc. Now that your spouse isn’t spending time doing churchy stuff with you, you might need to find other ways to bond as a couple. For example, back before winter ruined everything in the entire universe, my husband and I started going on Sunday nature walks/hikes/drives up in the mountains. Setting aside some time to do new activities together outside of church can also help you remember that you still genuinely like being around each other.

    4. Own your story.

     

    This one’s a little bit difficult. It can be almost embarrassing to admit that your spouse left church.You aren’t sure how people will respond, and you don’t want people to judge you or your spouse unfairly. I can’t tell you what’s right for you, but I can tell you that when I decided to just rip off the band-aid and tell my close family and friends what was going on, it lifted an immense burden off of me. You can’t control how people will respond, but sometimes being open and honest and unashamed feels much better than hiding and wallowing.

    So there you have it. Moral of the story: Decide to be in love. Make that decision every day, and you’ll at least make it to tomorrow.

    This post originally appeared on athingcalledloveblog.com and has been republished with permission.

  • Read This Touching Poem from a Daughter to Her Mom

    Read This Touching Poem from a Daughter to Her Mom

    My Mom and I haven’t always been close. In fact, when I heard other girls say that their mom was their best friend, I never thought I’d be able to say the same thing. I wish I could take back the times that I distanced myself from her. But the older I grew, the more I realized that my mom was the one real friend that would always be there, always return my calls, and always love me… no matter what. I realized that my mom is a person too, with good days and bad days, strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and sorrows. We are both far from perfect, but without her love, acceptance, and guidance, I truly would not be where I am today. We truly have become best friends. I love you, Mom.

    This poem is for all the mother hearts that surround us, whether they be our biological mothers, a friend, aunt, grandmother, or the neighbor down the street. Thank you for opening your hearts, and for inspiring us to someday become mothers like you.

     

    Dear Mom,

     

    Who would have taught me not to be scared of the dark,

    Or of the monsters downstairs, or of the big slide in the park?

    Who would have shown me how to walk, and tie shoes

    And that there are good or bad consequences for each action I choose?

    Who would have listened to my long melodramas

    And stayed up too late helping with my school dioramas?

    Who would have noticed when I felt sad and alone

    Who would have sung lullabies and soothed me in all the right tones?

    Who would have shown me to be patient and kind?

    Who would have believed in me when I was so far behind?

    Who could have seen all the potential within me?

    And told me “keep going, I know how good you will be.”

    Who would have forgiven me after the rude things I said

    And give me a hug and a kiss when I was tucked into bed?

    Who could have known all the right things to do

    For all of my problems and things I went through

    Who would have found my missing left shoe

    Who would have supported all the dreams I’ve pursued?

    Who else would wake early just to pack me my lunch

    And who would have made your famous lemonade punch?

    Who would have taught me about Jesus Christ?

    Who would have shown me how to walk in the light?

    Who would have told stories of courage and faith?

    Who would have testified of truth and of grace?

    Who would have held me and told me it was alright

    After falling short yet again in this great mortal fight?

    And who in the world could be better than you

    To convince me unconditional love can extend to me too?

    Only my angel mother could have done this and more

    You’ve given me wings and taught me to soar.

    I’m truly in debt, with every breath

    I love you forever, love won’t stop after death.

    Let it be etched into the book of my life

    That I love you, dear mother.

    Sincerely,

    Your daughter


     

    Rachelle H. is a twenty-something young lady who loves to travel, run, bike, and spend time outdoors. She loves her family and the gospel. She completed her RN and BSN degrees, and has just been called to serve as the mission nurse specialist in the Bolivia Santa Cruz Mission.

  • Alarming Attacks on the Family You Need to Know About

    Alarming Attacks on the Family You Need to Know About

    Recently, I returned from attending the Commission on the Status of Women at the United Nations. I have walked the halls of the UN, sat in on countless discussions from panelists from all over the world, as well as participated in meetings with world ambassadors and their committee affairs members. I’m writing about some of the attacks on the family that I saw there so more people can be aware of what is happening throughout the world. I do this as a mother, woman of the church, and someone who has seen firsthand some very serious attacks on the family.

    We recently were called upon to defend the family by our church leaders. Something very important to remember as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is that we are part of a worldwide church. When someone in a general auxiliary is speaking, they are addressing people from Nigeria to New Zealand and from Poland to Provo. What some members in Japan are facing could be quite different than what a member in Great Falls, Montana faces. So as you read this, keep in mind that we are all brothers and sisters in the gospel and we are in this together!

    In order to fully understand the importance of us standing for the family, we need to know where the attacking is coming from. The attacks are coming from the top and worldwide. Here is a little UN 101. Simply put, leaders from all over the world come together to create documents that, once signed, become worldwide guiding policy. Countries that don’t follow the rules determined in these documents can face government sanctions. If the family is not protected in this document, our children and your role as a mother and father WILL be affected. This is a direct and real threat to the family. Right now, a document called the “Post 2015 Agenda” is being negotiated, and it will guide UN decisions when it comes to policy for the next 15 years. Currently, no mention of the word “family” has been included in the document. This is extremely dangerous to our rights as parents, families and religions. If the family is not protected in this document, our children and your role as a mother and father WILL be affected. This is a direct and real threat to the family.

    Now I’ll tell you about a situation that occurred while we were at the UN with a woman named Kate Gilmore, who is the Deputy Executive Director of UNFPA. UNFPA is a very powerful group that has involvement with your childrens’ curriculum and healthcare. While we were at the UN, a mom in our group asked her a simple question on data collection in our schools. She responded with this answer:

    “….we discovered that for millions and millions of women that marriage is not much better than an arbitrary detention cell; that the kitchen is a torture chamber; that the bedroom is a site for the gravest of human rights violations.  As much as we wish to uphold the responsibility and the burden of parenting to sustain people in that and to preserve the privacy, I am afraid by performance alone, we can neither trust nor leave alone the care of the most vulnerable to anybody who has power over them, whether it be the state, whether it be the church, whether it be the mosque, or the synagogue or unfortunately the family or the marriage.”

    We can see, from this response, what an extremely powerful group within the UN thinks about families. This was not a pro family/marriage response, and these are the types of people who are have influence on what our children are learning.

    There are many differing views on education and healthcare worldwide. After hearing panel discussions on gender neutralization and eugenics, I’ve seen a push to teach young and very impressionable children such things as it being okay to reverse their gender and have procedures that can permanently alter their biological makeup without the consent of an adult. Having a teenager make that sort of commitment without the counsel of the people who care and love them most is pretty scary.

    What happens if one of our children ends up pregnant in high school, even though we did everything possible to teach her correct principles? Can you imagine her going to an abortion clinic and ending the life of her unborn baby, left to deal with all that comes after an abortion, emotionally and physically, on her own? Do you know the statistics on abortions? The rate of depression and suicide skyrockets in women/girls who go through an abortion. An abortion also puts her future chances of conceiving at risk. Your daughter could be faced with these issues and countless others without you being able to discuss these life altering things with her. This would happen because a group at the UN decided that the age of consent should be lowered, and they put a life changing decision in the hands of a child. There will be a time when a mother will have to have consent to attend a gynecological appointment with her daughter. There is a huge push on “female reproductive rights,” which will directly affect the ability for you to parent your young teenage daughters. An attack on the family? I think so.

    One of the panels discussed the need to have complete gender neutrality. The ultimate goal would be to completely eliminate gender distinctions. One of the examples given was the need for doctors to treat babies/children neutrally, not as a male or female. No mention would be made as to what sex the child is, and it would be up to them to decide on their own as time goes by which they would like to be. When you head to Jensen Family Law site, you will find that it was mentioned that a child’s life could be ruined if a healthcare provider mentioned anything that dealt with gender before it had been decided. The fact of the matter is females are generally born with ovaries and males with prostates. Males and females have different growth and developmental milestones and need to be treated as such. I for one want my pediatrician to treat my child according to their biological needs and not some universal gender system.

    Another big issue is sterilization. There are women in countries that are dying at home, not able to deliver their baby because they could not found enough hospital beds to get treated. No governmental organization should be allowed the power to take away a woman’s right to conceive without her consent or knowledge. Another attack that sickens me is forced abortions. We were told a story about a woman in China who was 7 months pregnant (her story is not an isolated incident). She wasn’t supposed to have another child, and because of government pressure on local officials who use terrible tactics on pregnant women, she was taken to the hospital against her will for her child to be forcefully aborted. As if the agony of having a baby growing inside her inhumanely killed wasn’t enough, when she could not pay for the disposal of her perfectly formed and viable baby, they left the baby in a clear bag on the side of her recovery bed for her to carry out on her own. I have never seen an image of a woman so broken in my entire life. When we are talking about forced sterilization and unconsented abortions, this is an attack on the family.

    We cannot forget that our leaders are not just speaking to people within the United States. We are a worldwide church with brothers and sisters that NEED our support. The proclamation on the family was given to the world.

    The disintegration of the family has led to broken homes with youth growing up with absolutely no role models to strengthen them and help them learn what it means to be a good respectful man or woman. When you hear stories of the staggering statistics of rapes that are occurring in African and underdeveloped countries, do you realize that our sweet young women who are working on their Personal Progress are a part of those statistics? The family unit has been society’s method throughout the ages for boys to learn to be brothers, sons, men and fathers and girls to be sisters, daughters, women and mothers. We cannot forget that our leaders are not just speaking to people within the United States. We are a worldwide church with brothers and sisters that NEED our support. The proclamation on the family was given to the world. So once again, when we hear our leaders talk of the family being under attack, they are speaking to all of us, from the most developed countries in the world to the most underdeveloped. People all over are needed to rise up and work alongside each other and do what they can to strengthen the future generation of the children they are rearing, and that strength unquestionably comes from a natural family, as described in the Family: A Proclamation.

    I am here to tell you that the attack on the family is very real. It is calculated and well-orchestrated. I witnessed the plans to destroy the very connection that our bodies have with our spirits. Satan knows that the process of attacking the very nature of our being will bring about ultimate destruction. Attacking the family and our eternal connection to who we were before we came to this earth is Satan’s way of pulling people as far away from our Father in Heaven as possible. The fight for gender equality doesn’t have to destroy the beautiful roles that a man and woman can fulfill within a family. The power within a family unit is unmatched when both the husband and wife fulfill their roles in a complementary way.

    I am very aware that not all family situations are ideal. There are mothers and fathers out there who are raising their children on their own due to things such as divorce, death, or mental illness. Many out there are struggling with infertility and not able to have children of their own, despite their desires to have a family, but all of us are sons and daughters, brothers or sisters, aunts or uncles, and part of one big family. We have the ability to strengthen the people around us!

    I, for one, will stand and defend what I hold most dear and sacred, which is my family. I will not sit on the sidelines when I hear leaders, who I know are called of God, call us to battle. Just like the women and children in the Book of Mormon who took up arms and fought alongside their men, I too will do all that I can to preserve the basic doctrine of the gospel, because I have seen the armies coming and they are not hiding in the hills.

    Photo credit: Cia de Foto / Foter / CC BY

    Mandy Davis is a wife and mother to three children. Mandy grew up in Alberta, Canada and moved to Utah and attended Utah State University where she earned her bachelor’s degree in Journalism, with an emphasis in Public Relations and Corporate Communications. She has recently returned from the United Nations with a whole new outlook on the importance of protecting the family. After returning from the UN Mandy realized that all of us average, day to day people, have more power to do good and bring about change than we realize. She started the blog thepoweroftheeverydayyou.blogspot.com to spread the word on things that are affecting the family and what we can do within our own spheres of influence to stand for what is right.