The reality is that there aren’t a lot of easy answers. I don’t always know how my husband and I are going to handle it tomorrow or next year or ten years from now, so I don’t want to pretend that I have everything figured out, but what I can offer is a list of what seems to be working for us right here, right now. Because why stress out about ten years down the road if you can enjoy the person you love right this minute?
Here are my not-so-magical suggestions for helping your marriage survive a faith transition:
1. Make a decision about whether you still want to be married.
Your situation has changed. Regardless of how many cheesy letters you wrote to yourself in Young Women’s about how your future husband was going to love the Church, he doesn’t. And that leaves you with a decision to make. Yes, maybe part of your love was built on a sense of shared faith. Yes, maybe you feel hurt or even betrayed that things changed, but guess what? You’re not married to that original person anymore. You’re married to the person you have here, now, in front of you.
How does that make you feel?
Back in the day when I was trying to decide if I should marry my husband, I went to my dad for advice. He asked me one very simple question: When I imagined myself married to him in 50 years, how did it make me feel? At the time, the thought of being with my now-husband filled me with all kinds of rainbow-and-unicorn feelings that are far too cheesy to put into print.
When my spouse made the formal decision to resign from the church, my initial response was to ask God what I should do. Did I have to leave? Did I have to stay? Just tell me the answer, okay? Well, instead of getting an answer, I got another question: “Do you still want to be with him?”
The man I’m married to today is very different from the man I married years ago, but at the end of the day, when I imagine myself in 50 years, I want him there. He’s the guy who does ridiculous, uncoordinated dances with me while we’re cooking. When I’m tired, he makes me laugh until I’m completely delirious and ready to pee my pants. When I’m sad, there’s that little spot right in the crook of his armpit that has always been my safe place. And so I made a decision, and once I actually made that decision, it made things a lot easier.
If you want your marriage to survive a faith transition, you have to decide if you want to be married. You both have to decide if you want to be married. That’s the first, most important, step, and it makes everything else a little bit easier. If your marriage is beyond repair, learn how you can reach a divorce settlement aggreement from a family lawyer.
2. Recognize that it’s going to be hard, and that’s okay.
This isn’t easy for you, and it isn’t easy for your spouse, either. Even if you’re committed to your marriage, you’re both going to have days when things feel overwhelming and terrible, but try to remember that you’re both going through a process of grief. It doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is doomed. Tomorrow, you might feel better.
3. Find new things to have in common.
Being Mormon takes up a lot of time as a married couple. Not only do you spend three hours in church together, but then you also have the family home evenings and the ward parties and dinners with people in your ward, etc. etc. etc. Now that your spouse isn’t spending time doing churchy stuff with you, you might need to find other ways to bond as a couple. For example, back before winter ruined everything in the entire universe, my husband and I started going on Sunday nature walks/hikes/drives up in the mountains. Setting aside some time to do new activities together outside of church can also help you remember that you still genuinely like being around each other.
4. Own your story.
This one’s a little bit difficult. It can be almost embarrassing to admit that your spouse left church.You aren’t sure how people will respond, and you don’t want people to judge you or your spouse unfairly. I can’t tell you what’s right for you, but I can tell you that when I decided to just rip off the band-aid and tell my close family and friends what was going on, it lifted an immense burden off of me. You can’t control how people will respond, but sometimes being open and honest and unashamed feels much better than hiding and wallowing.
So there you have it. Moral of the story: Decide to be in love. Make that decision every day, and you’ll at least make it to tomorrow.
This post originally appeared on athingcalledloveblog.com and has been republished with permission.
Comments
13 responses to “Deciding To Love: Making It Through Your Spouse’s Faith Transition”
Life is just like that. Many things do happen without us planning it or even anticipating them but whatever happens in your life, it is still you and your personal relationships with God and to the people you love so dearly that is so important. Though this is the true church, still some people seems to be having a bit of a hard time just accepting it. Some just can’t get a sync between the church and their life. Hopefully, they will be able to get around through it later. This is really for you because you stick with him no matter what and you have the understanding to continue your own love story with your husband.
This is seriously the worst advise I have ever read. Question your marriage because your husband finally wises up and leaves the ridiculous cult? NO the advice should be wise up yourself and follow him.
Insert ANY faith in here and it is applicable. Besides, read between the lines. WHY did he leave his faith? IS IT SAFE TO STAY? Mine left because abusing me and the kids was more fun than going to church and doing it right and controlling his temper. I HAD to decide what was safe. Could a weather this storm and remain ALIVE? Would he do bodily harm or psychological damage that I could not reverse or contain to my children? Would staying be better or would leaving be better/ BOTH were HORRIBLE choices, but in the end, safety won out. I HAD to protect my kids and I COULD NOT protect them and remain in the marriage. It is a very good article with healthy advice if you would set aside your prejudice for the LDS Faith.
Kevin, I think you are way off base. This article didn’t mention what church she was talking about. Of course, we all know it was LDS, but it could apply to any church if the person was truly faithful in their belief. I think you owe her an apology.
I concur that this is poor advice. If the article begins with the first step of deciding if one should leave their spouse, then this article loses all credibility in my opinion.
At least the general population has phrases like “through thick and thin” or “for better or for worse”. We LDS could learn a thing or two from that.
You married a person, not the church. The church doesn’t save. Christ does.
Let the Holy Spirit of Promise seal you. That’s the only way a marriage will last through eternity, not because some man said some words (see the early versus of D&C 132).
When my spouse left the church I went to the Temple and received some inspiration which has been a source of great comfort. It was that if I remained faithful I would be OK. It would all work out. I still don’t know what that looks like but it helps to keep me grounded and moving along the path.
It seems to me that if there are children, the first question cannot be “Do I still want to be married with this man?” And the statement “This is not the man I married.” applies to nearly every husband who has been married a while. It contains a hint of justification for making a change. If every marriage were terminated based on that status very few marriages would survive the 7 year mark. One more scripture that touches on this subject – Luke 14:26. It is one of a number of scriptures that I reject on Christian grounds. I am convinced that it was an addition to the gospel, at least 50 years after the crucifixion, by men who considered the church more important than its members – a common problem even in our day.
This article was well-written and gave great advice. My husband has never officially “left the church”, but early in our temple marriage he began to be mostly inactive, only going to church when I pushed him into it, or for a special occasion. It was painful, because I had signed up for a temple marriage, and thought we would go to church (with our 5 children) together, and live the gospel together. I felt a little ripped off.
I had to make the same decision, whether to continue to love him and stay with him even though a very important aspect of our marriage was now gone, or to leave him. I too decided to stay and love him for all the other aspects our marriage that were great, and because of the good man that he is. He loves me and he still lives the gospel standards, and still claims to have a testimony even though he is now completely inactive.
I still feel sad about it at times. I attend the temple by myself, watching all the other couples going there together hand-in-hand, and I sit in sacrament meeting all alone each Sunday. 4 out of our 5 now-grown children have also chosen not to be active in the church, and that weighs heavily on my heart. But I have also received inspiration that everything will be ok, as long as I stay faithful. I know that my husband and children will have many chances in this life, and also the next, to change their minds and return to the faith. I also feel my Heavenly Father’s loving eyes watching over all of my family, keep them close by and not letting them wander too far. I know Christ’s atonement is there.
I blog about my experiences at Not-So-Perfect Mormon Mom: notsoperfectmm.blogspot.com
Thank you again for your perspective. It is spot on. Anyone that doesn’t think so has not been through it.
My husband is not a member and I still appreciate the words and questions said. I have been praying if I should stay in my marrage for some time. Thank you for the questions to ponder.
I think one of the key things this article doesn’t talk about is empathy. If you want to get through a spouse’s faith transition and keep a strong relationship throughout, you have to be willing to listen and try to understand your spouse’s experiences, point of view, and emotions. That goes both ways, of course,–you should be able to expect the same level of love and respect in return.
I agree that this can look like terrible advice but for the Mormon faith which places so much significance on having a righteous family unit in an eternal heaven together, question the marriage is often the very first step that happens. Divorce is also often the very first fear a person leaving the faith must be willing to face within themselves a real possible consequence for their faith change. I don’t think the article is suggesting people initiate the question the marriage as much a they need to answer that inevitable question instead of leaving it wide open and a possible threat at any moment. It IS an inevitablequestion with this faith imo. Just one more sign of how much of a cult it really is. The question of sacrificing you family and spouse for it is very real and immediate in these cases, and thus very damaging.
I agree that this can look like terrible advice but for the Mormon faith which places so much significance on having a righteous family unit in an eternal heaven together, questioning the marriage is often the very first step that happens.
Divorce is also often the very first fear a person leaving the faith must be willing to face within themselves as a real possible consequence for their faith change.
I don’t think the article is suggesting people initiate the questioning marriage as much a they need to answer that inevitable question and not just leave it wide open and a possible threat at any moment.
It IS an inevitable question with this faith imo. Just one more sign of how much of a cult it really is. The question of sacrificing you family and spouse for it is very real and immediate in these cases, and thus very damaging.
And yes I agree with the post above.. empathy is key.
(tried to clean up my mistakes better for easier reading… for the moderator, feel free to deny the first post and just post this one that has less typos.)
I don’t believe that divorce should even be a consideration until a lot of time has gone by and you see how things settle. It is a grief process that you go through. You feel betrayed, even though your spouse didn’t leave the LDS church to hurt you. Your marriage is not the church. Your marriage is your marriage. I believe that in most cases you can work through it if you want to, but there has to be mutual love and respect. The church does not recommend divorce if you spouse leaves. In fact, you get the opposite advice.
My husband left the LDS church several years ago and it was very painful for both of us. Now I’m asking myself if I want to stay with him not because he left the LDS church, but because of the kind of person he has become since he left the church. Him leaving the LDS faith has not made him a better person, in fact, he’s become someone that I don’t recognize and neither do my children.
The LDS church is not a cult and I get sick of hearing that. Leaving is a simple and easy process. You make the choice and you leave. They aren’t holding you hostage, locked in a dungeon. If you don’t want to belong, then don’t.