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As a very shy girl growing up in a very social ward, it was common for me to hear ward members tell my parents, “Your daughter is too quiet. She should speak up more.” The truth is that I had a really difficult time with public speaking and often felt humiliated when I was put on the spot or in social situations. Rarely did I bear my testimony in church, and when I did, it was only because I felt guilty. Speaking in Sunday school or other settings took a lot of preparation and courage on my part. I just didn’t really do those things, and though I’ve changed a lot throughout the years, I still feel more at home in silence.

The truth is that many of us feel more comfortable listening and observing in church than we do speaking. We love hearing the gospel and thinking about how we can improve. In fact, we can soak in things like Sunday school classes or General Conference for hours without feeling the need or the desire to say a word. While we might be completely fine with this, our ward families sometimes find it kind of strange and don’t quite know what to make of it. In that blurry area of uncertainty, it is so easy for misjudgments to be made and misunderstanding to ruin our ward relationships. Because of that, being “the quiet one” can be really hard.

Yes, some of us may be more reserved. Yes, we might be hard to get to know because of it, but here are a few things you should realize about the quiet members of your ward:

1. We have testimonies. 

Even though we might not share them that often, most of us have very healthy testimonies. We love the gospel and enjoy listening to our friends and neighbors testify of it. We learn a lot from you guys, even if you don’t think we do. It’s easy to sit on a pew during Fast Sunday and think, “Brother Jones must be a horrible sinner to never bear his testimony” or “Sister Smith obviously doesn’t have a testimony because I never see her up there.” Honestly, most of us just aren’t super comfortable with getting up or don’t have the words to say what we feel. Don’t think we don’t believe, because we do. We just express it differently sometimes.

2. We have important things to say.   

Sometimes, because we don’t talk as much as the outgoing brother or sister sitting next to us, we’re easy to overlook. We get that. But just like our brothers and sisters, we have good ideas and insights, too. As quiet individuals, one of our strengths is observation. We notice needs and circumstances in the ward that others may not because we are so good at listening and paying attention. We know how to reach out to people in ways that you might not have thought of. Yes, sometimes it takes some prodding to get us to share how we feel and what we think, but what we have to say is valuable. Catch us alone and ask us person to person. Talk to us about things that we love. You might be surprised by our perspective.

3. If we seem to dislike you, we probably don’t. 

Sometimes, by accident, we quiet folks can come across as stuck up, arrogant, or irritated. We might feel kind of awkward making small talk, and when we speak, you might feel like we don’t like you or don’t want to talk to you. The truth is that we probably aren’t super comfortable talking to people we don’t know really well. Keep talking with us! Keep getting to know us. For some of us, the people we admire the most are the hardest to talk to, and that may be you. Don’t assume that we hate you just because we may struggle to speak with you. Chances are we like you a whole bunch!

4. We need to feel included, too. 

A lot of us quiet folks keep to ourselves. That may be because we’re pretty introverted or it might be because we don’t have many friends in our ward. Whatever the case, we need you to accept and include us, too. We need to feel like we are wanted, like we are important, and like we have valuable things to contribute. Even though we may be slightly uncomfortable in group situations, we crave feeling like somebody cares for us and wants us to be a part of their lives. Keep reaching out to us. Keep asking us how we’re doing. Even if it’s hard for us to express ourselves, we appreciate it when we are given a chance to be involved. That’s something we all need.

There’s something powerful communicated when we use the word “enemy“.  Some of the images that come to mind when one thinks of our “enemies” might include surging ranks of malevolent armies, or legions of hostile foes.  The branding of nations, groups, or individuals as “enemies” can inspire at best, distrust, suspicion, and general disdain, and at worst, hatred, zealotry, and violence.  Some of the most horrific acts of human cruelty have been justified because the targets of these crimes were, “enemies“.  In short, as with any label, the word “enemy” has the power to strip a person’s humanity until we see them as nothing but an opposing idea.  It’s with this preface that I wish to discuss the common vernacular surrounding those deemed to be, “enemies of the church”.

My thoughts on this topic were, oddly enough, inspired by a line from The Hunger Games.  In a scene from the second installment of the popular dystopian series, Catching Fire.  Haymitch, before watching Katniss and Peta enter the arena for the second time, counsels them to, “Remember who the real enemy is”.  This phrase stuck with me, and caused me to reflect on people or groups in my life that I, perhaps unnecessarily, consider to be enemies.  One of those areas was the way in which I think and talk about people who have dissented from the church, or just oppose it’s ideals.  I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s something both damaging and unproductive in considering these people to be enemies.

While serving a mission in North Carolina, I often found myself face to face with many people who not only hated the theology and organization that I represented, but also hated me personally for representing them.  As a new missionary it was easy to simply dismiss these people as “anti’s,” and then strut off with the righteous indignation of a thousand pioneers, but the more I interacted with these people, the more I discovered that my very attitude was undermining my entire purpose to bring these people to Christ.  As I continued to serve these people, and to pray for them in personal and companionship prayers, my perspective began to change.  I stopped feeling better or more enlightened than others, and instead began to see these people as equals.  I began to see that others had had experiences that had brought them to their current beliefs.  I started to understand that their feelings were as legitimate as mine, and it was only from this place of understanding that I was enabled to offer them the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ.  Many of the people I taught accepted that message, and many did not, but it was the change in my heart that allowed me to leave these people with a heart full of gratitude, never thinking less of them.

I believe that the counsel from President Thomas S. Monson to, “Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved” can apply to the manner in which we defend church leaders and doctrines.  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t defend what we know to be true, nor that we should halt our pursuit to share the Gospel, quite the contrary.  It’s our duty as members of the church to uphold the doctrines of the church in all that we say and do, and viewing our friends and neighbors as equal travelers in this journey together is what ultimately will enable us to do exactly that.

Returning to the analogy of the Hunger Games, the other tributes in the arena weren’t the real enemy.  The real enemy was President Snow, the unforgiving leader of the nation.  The tributes were simply being used as pawns, pitted against each other in a horrific and traumatic contest for their lives.  In this analogy, President Snow can represent Satan.  Satan uses whatever tactics he can to pit us against each other in a never-ending conflict of opinions.  This influence from the adversary comes at varying times and degrees, but it is up to us to see past the lie that other people are the enemy, and to remember who the real enemy is, Satan himself.  It wasn’t until the tributes decided to work together that their situation collapsed in on itself and they were able to escape.

People can lie, but people are not lies.  People can sin, but people are not sins.  If we ever fool ourselves into thinking that our fellow travelers in this mortal existence have become the ideas that they profess, than we have robbed ourselves of the opportunity to both teach and to learn.  People can subscribe to ideas, and defend them with fervent zeal, but people are not ideas.  Ideas can be temporary.  Ideas can be generated and discarded like crumpled notebook paper, but souls are forever, and for that reason alone they deserve our respect.  I believe that perhaps when The Savior instructed us to, “Love your enemies,” He was in reality imploring us to see past the labels of enemy and foe, and to love that transcendent attribute of others that truly deserves to be loved, humanity itself.  Perhaps He was telling us to love our enemies until regardless of their actions or beliefs, we no longer see them as our enemies at all.