As a member of the millennial generation, I was chiefly raised in the progressive era of plastic jungle gyms and social safety nets. From the time I was very young, my life has felt safely padded by society, with little room for any real or imagined danger to threaten my fragile existence. Mine was a childhood where both teams won a trophy. Mine was a childhood where there were no losers, and everyone was special. Mine was a childhood where there was never anything wrong with anyone ever.
But I’m here to tell you that there’s something wrong with all of us.
We’ve somehow come to value confidence over kindness, pride over patience, and self-esteem over self-improvement. Never are you to meant to feel that your problems may be self-inflicted, or that the cause of your woes may just be your own inadequacy. These sentiments have penetrated deep into our educational system, our government, and our entire culture. But our collectively relentless quest to ensure that anyone and everyone “feel good” about themselves has in many ways stunted the spiritual and emotional growth of an entire generation. What I’m talking about has often been referred to as “the self-esteem movement”. Starting as early as the 1960s, and gaining maximum momentum through the 80s and 90s, the modern self-esteem movement has culturally embedded itself through public policy, traditional media, and most recently, through social media. The overarching sentiment is that everyone’s beliefs, actions, and lifestyles are equally valid and respectable, and to be critical of another person for any of these is itself a pernicious evil.
My intention is not to disparage the massive strides in psychological research and practices that have led to mentally healthier lives for millions and millions of people. The desire to ensure that others recognize their own self-worth is guided by a true principle that each of us has infinite worth. Our culture has realized that humans have innate potential, and that that potential must be guarded. The psychosocial methods to accomplish that task, however, have engendered a culture where people often feel a social requirement to maintain a facade of perfection. Hence, when problems arise in our lives that threaten that flawless pretense, the modern response is to “shake it off”. Yes, it is true that our happiness should be independent from the actions and opinions of others, but if Taylor Swift’s aforementioned lyric becomes the anthem of our lives, then we may rob ourselves of genuine opportunities to improve ourselves at the suggestion of others.
You see, there are lots of things wrong with you, there are lots of things wrong with me, and that’s okay. People may be able to delude themselves into believing that they have reached the pinnacle of perfection, or in more common vernacular, that they’re “just fine the way they are,” but when the reality of personal inadequacy inevitably rears it’s humbling head, the subscribers to this false philosophy, having done nothing to prepare themselves, will be forced to either retreat to the safe harbors of mediocrity, or drown in the endless ocean of failure. In the end, their lamps will be empty, and not because the oil of criticism was not offered, but because they did not use it.
Building the self-esteem of others by telling them that there’s “nothing wrong with them” is a double-edged sword. While the feelings of others may be temporarily placated, the ruse can’t last forever, and they eventually will realize the truth. The reality is that there are things wrong with everyone. A person who is told over and over that their beliefs and actions are morally relative will at some point be forced to reconcile that belief with the simple fact that not all of those beliefs and actions bring equal happiness into their lives. Rather than expecting everyone to don a constant guise of perfection, we should accept the fact that there are things that are wrong with each of us, but also realize that that’s okay! We’re not, “fine the way we are”, because it’s perfectly acceptable at this stage in our existence to not be completely fine. Only when we can humble ourselves to the point that we can see ourselves for exactly who we are, the good and the bad, are we in a position to unlock the powers of the Atonement. Only then can we truly progress. President Uchtdorf expressed this beautifully in his talk, “Lord, Is It I?”. He states,
“Brethren, none of us likes to admit when we are drifting off the right course. Often we try to avoid looking deeply into our souls and confronting our weaknesses, limitations, and fears. Consequently, when we do examine our lives, we look through the filter of biases, excuses, and stories we tell ourselves in order to justify unworthy thoughts and actions.”
“But being able to see ourselves clearly is essential to our spiritual growth and well-being. If our weaknesses and shortcomings remain obscured in the shadows, then the redeeming power of the Savior cannot heal them and make them strengths. Ironically, our blindness toward our human weaknesses will also make us blind to the divine potential that our Father yearns to nurture within each of us.”
It’s no wonder that personal and public religious observance has almost universally declined. What need have we for a Savior if there’s nothing in our life for Him to save us from? The “wrongs” in our lives can be anything from addictions, temptations, and bad habits, or just plain inadequacy. We cannot truly overcome any of these problems without the help of the Savior, but Christ is wholly unable to heal us if we are unable to see that we need it.
I know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who completely understands the nature of the human condition. He would never want us to trade progression for temporary comfort. He would never want us to believe that our actions and lifestyles are all equally acceptable. He has allowed us to experience weaknesses so that fires of temporal struggles will one day refine us into the people He always intended us to be. I think the words of the Savior himself in Ether 12:27 perfectly illustrate this principle:
“And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.”
We live in a tremendous progressive era and have the potential to end many forms of human injustice. Wouldn’t it be a shame to squander that energy pursuing the acceptance of false and ultimately harmful philosophies! We can do better. We can help one another. And we can allow the Savior to help us.
There’s something wrong with each of us, and that’s how it was meant to be. If we accept the world’s mantra that we are static creatures, and cannot change, we risk losing all opportunity for meaningful progress. After all, the Gospel was never about acceptance, but always about improvement. So maybe next time some criticism comes our way, let’s take it with a grain of salt and see what we can learn from it.
Comments
10 responses to “There’s Something Wrong With You”
What are these “harmful philosophies?” Just the self-esteem movement? And who is “the world” and since when are they shouting the mantra that we’re “static creatures?”
There are lots of little good ideas in this article that I like–but there’s also a lot of scarecrow arguments and imprecision that engenders bad thinking. For example, the opening line seems to suggest that an entire generation has been raised in some sort of safety net, when the generation is actually made up of many individuals from diverse socio-economic backgrounds, many of whom never had access to plastic jungle gyms or social safety nets.
This is a fair critique. It’s difficult to write any kind of social commentary without at least some kind of generalities. Thanks for reading Josh!
TL;DR synopsis-
Social improvements during the recent progressive era have been great, but don’t forget: GOD!
Good thoughts! It is time non-scriptural terms such as self-esteem, “personal relationship with Christ” and unconditional love made their exit and we restored scriptural words which teach the beautiful truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Only then can we help our young men and women develop serious reverence and true worship of the Father (D&C 107:4, many Presidents of the Church have emphasized the honor and sober respect due when speaking, thinking and approaching God), “charity” (Moroni 7) and “confidence” (Proverbs 14:6, D&C 121:45).
See Elder Nelson’s excellent talk “Divine Love” on why God’s love “cannot correctly be characterized as unconditional.” (Ensign, February 2003).
President Benson:
“It is important that in our teaching we make use of the language of holy writ. Alma said, ‘I … do command you in the language of him who hath commanded me’ (Alma 5:61).
The words and the way they are used in the Book of Mormon by the Lord should become our source of understanding and should be used by us in teaching gospel principles.
God uses the power of the word of the Book of Mormon as an instrument to change people’s lives: ‘As the preaching of the word had a great tendency to lead the people to do that which was just—yea, it had had more powerful effect upon the minds of the people than the sword, or anything else, which had happened unto them—therefore Alma thought it was expedient that they should try the virtue of the word of God’ (Alma 31:5).” (President Benson, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1987/04/the-book-of-mormon-and-the-doctrine-and-covenants?lang=eng)
I like the article in general. I see how society in our days behave like they are always right. We live in a very prideful society and it affects all kinds of people, young and old, members and leaders in the church too.
the writer doesn’t mention a very important thing: in order to change this insidious trend, we need leaders, at all levels, who start acknowledging that they can make mistakes. We need leaders that when they make mistakes they apologize. We need humble leaders that after they make mistakes and apologize, do everything in their power to restitute the offended. Leaders that instead of focusing they are inspired/infallible, focus on remembering they are human too. Because if we are infallible, then we don’t need to improve and we don’t need the advice of others. Right? This is what I read in this article. People like that don’t change and don’t think the opinions or disagreements of the members are important.
If our leaders always tell us we are a chosen generation all the time and don’t tell us what is wrong, then most people turn out to be immature and believe that they are always great and right. I have dealt with people like this, conceited, arrogant, childish, non inspired and non spiritual. And unfortunately, some of these people were local and stake church leaders. They displayed all the traits mentioned in this article.
So it is very important that in order for society, schools and governements and churches to change, we choose good leaders whose words match their actions. For all of us mormons, we have the duty to sustain leaders, but we also have the right to sustain good leaders, not just any kind of leader.
If the mormon church is the way it is right now is the responsibility of the members and the leaders, but specially the leaders. Those who voiced their opinions and start action are excommunicated. This is the church environment we are all building together for our families.
Next time criticism comes in the way of our church leaders, hopefully they can learn something from it instead of saying things like: ” you should not criticize your leaders, even if what you know is true.” I think we are all applying this mantra not only to leaders but to ourselves and that is where the problem starts for everyone in the church.
As you can see, with leaders saying things like that, what can we expect from the people that follow them? I tell you again: Pride. They think they don’t need to change. They are just following the advice of their leaders. They behave the same way the see their leaders behave. I think we have learned today that principles and standards apply to all, leaders and members, not just to members.
Although, I agree with the majority of this article, I’m not sure about the following statement:
“The psychosocial methods to accomplish that task, however, have engendered a culture where people often feel a social requirement to maintain a facade of perfection”
True, much of psychology today states to do what you feel is right, and there really is no wrong. However, we much use caution, with the opposite. True, if morality exist, then right and wrong must also exist. Wrong does indeed exist, but too many focus on what is wrong with them, and not what is right. A lot of people find themselves in inactivity, not because of doctrinal disagreement, but because they feel they are “unworthy.” It is very important that we find the proper balance between pride and self denial.
Fantastic post — this has been a hot topic of conversation at our house for the last several weeks. The first step in progression is realizing that we need to move forward. We may be okay where we are, but who wants to be just okay. The Lord certainly doesn’t want us to be just okay. He wants us to be as He is, and we can be with His help if we’re willing to see things as they really are — including ourselves.
I enjoyed this article and as I read I was evaluating myself. We all have our faults, we all have “fallen short of the glory of God” isn’t that why we are here – to improve ourselves through the teachings of our Savior Jesus Christ?
As we are constantly learning we will be shown our weaknesses and then we can humble ourselves so that we can sincerely repent and become more like Christ. I love the article from Pres. Benson on pride, where he teaches us that we should be careful not to esteem ourselves above others. There is a balance in the ways we see ourselves, and through scripture study and prayer we can hopefully be worthy of the influence of the spirit to show us where we need to improve without being too critical or too prideful of ourselves.
I like how you connected the “everyone’s a winner” era to the gospel. I always only viewed as in connection to not everyone’s a winner and people (children) have to learn that they will not always win.
Sorry, but other than the quotes given by General Authorities I couldn’t get a real, substantial handle on precisely what you were trying to say. I heard a lot of criticism of the way the millennial generation was raised but I couldn’t sink my teeth into any very specific examples of the methods you find dangerous. At the end of the article I felt a bit dazed and confused. Sorry, I really wanted to understand exactly what you were trying to get at.