Mormon Buzzz

Tag: dating

  • 5 Dating Tips All Recent RMs Need to Succeed

    5 Dating Tips All Recent RMs Need to Succeed

    You’re an elder or a sister missionary who has just stepped foot off of the plane ride home. The end of your mission is before you, and suddenly, there are looming decisions on your mind. What am I going to do for school? Where am I going to live? What am I going to study? You wonder. But, maybe most of all, your mind is stuck on what everyone told you was the next big step, the one you’re equally terrified and excited for: dating, then marriage.

    Who are you going to marry?

    The next months and maybe years of your life will be filled with an awkward stumble to figure that out. You’ll go on great dates that never turn into anything, bad dates that you never want to repeat, or maybe no dates, because frankly, you either don’t want to or are terrified to go on them. It may be smooth sailing, but, as it is for most of us, it will probably be rough. Mistakes will be made, feelings will be hurt, and hearts will be broken. Such is dating. It’s a learning process for all of us, and, unfortunately, it sometimes takes a while to learn how to do it right or admit we’re doing it wrong.
    That being said, there are five pieces of advice I’ve used in my own life, including including moody advice that I think every RM, and really, every single adult, could use to vastly improve their dating experience and make it more enjoyable for all involved. You might try them yourself.

    1. Even though marriage is definitely the end goal, you need to put in time to get there.

     

    When I graduated from high school and was starting college, I was immediately overwhelmed by neighbors and ward members who told me, “Now you’ve got to get married!” It influenced my dating life so much that it made me miserable. I took every date seriously, and when it didn’t work out, my confidence took a major hit, which we shouldn’t do as people sometimes take it more lightly and enjoy more maybe use services like escort finder to find companionship and so on. I naively expected that marriage would be handed to me if I simply went on dates, and because I expected that, I made marriage far more important than getting to know the guys I dated. I ended up dating guys who were in no way compatible or right for me.

    As an RM, you’ve probably had similar experiences. Some of you probably expected (or expect) marriage to just happen once you started dating, and you’ve likely found that that’s not how it works. Others of you have perhaps jumped into serious relationships that did not end well because you were more concerned with getting married than actually loving the person you dated. In this instance, you have to think of dating in terms of teaching the gospel. As member missionaries (and I’m sure as sisters/elders), we are taught that the most inefficient and, in many instances, uncaring thing we can do for those not of our faith is to confront them with why they need to join the church before we even get to know them. You don’t lead people to enjoy the blessings of the gospel simply by telling them they need to be baptized. You do it by expressing love and compassion, by getting to know who they are and learning to love them. Dating, my friends, is a similar experience. You simply cannot expect marriage without being willing to put a lot of time into getting to know and love someone.

    If being married is more important to you than the actual person you choose to spend eternity with, you’re building up to disaster. Seek out your desire to marry, but most importantly, concern yourself with getting to know and perhaps love those you date. All good things take time.

    2. Use physical affection sparingly and meaningfully.

     

    When dating someone you really like post-mission, you may really want to hold their hand or kiss them. Please take care to limit your physical affection and analyze your motives for using it when you do. Holding a person’s hand or kissing them early on at the risk of deciding you don’t want to date them later is not only emotionally confusing for the other person, but indicative that your intentions are not actually centered on the person you like at all, but yourself. Physical affection is a powerful way to deepen connection between two people, and that’s why physical contact is so important in a couple from kissing to sex, with many also using accessories as the good rabbit vibe so they can enjoy more with their partners. “Making up for what you lost in two years of famine,” as a mission is sometimes referred to, is reckless and selfish, and it can lead to greater mistakes down the road.

    If you like someone, get to know them. Get to love them. Bridle your passions, as the scriptures say. Physical affection, when used as a way to express love rather than demand it, is the most beautiful thing in the world. Learn early to use it properly, and it will be far more rewarding than just handing it out.

    3. Do not let your inability to decide become more important than your dates’ feelings.

     

    Probably the toughest thing about dating for most of us is worrying about committing to the wrong person. That worry creates indecisiveness, which not only cripples us, but can wound the people we date. Fresh off your mission, you might really want to date someone seriously, but find yourself reluctant to cut off other options. Please be careful. It is unfair to lead someone on by dating them “exclusively” while still looking at your options. I’ve known many returned elders who, paralyzed by the idea of having to choose, seriously dated more than one girl at a time. I’ve been the girl whose boyfriend wanted to date other people at the same time. Not only is that extremely disrespectful and painful for someone who chose to commit to you, it does not prepare you in any way for marriage.

    Do not run from commitment. Do what the Lord asks us to do. Make a decision about who to date, never mind the other options, and run with it until you feel like it’s either right and should go on, or wrong and should end. Then, when you do find out if it is right or wrong, be honest with the person you’re dating. Be completely clear about how you feel, but also be compassionate. If you’re a person who needs options, then consider and sift through those options long before you decide to make a relationship with someone serious.

    4. Perfection doesn’t exist. Stop looking for it.

     

    When we date, we need to let go of our egos and admit that yes, people have weaknesses. People are better at some things, and worse at others. They are often not as spiritually, physically, emotionally, or mentally strong as we feel we are. They likely did not spend the last two years of their life doing the kind of work you did. Too often, we judge them too critically for it. Stop it. Set down your checklist and consider the things that truly matter. Does this person love the gospel? Is this person trying their best to be better? Does this person make you better? Could you love them? If you can answer those questions with ‘yes’, then chances are, you’ve found, not the perfect person, but the perfect person for you to date. Pursue them. Forget yourself and go to work, because whether or not you’d admit it, you’re far from perfect yourself.

    5. Fresh courage take!

     

    Finally, there are some of you who have a hard time asking someone out or wanting to go out, let alone being decisive or affectionate. You’re intimidated by the idea of dating and all it entails — having to be vulnerable, the pressure of marriage, getting hurt, facing potential rejection — and because you are, you might not have any desire to do it. Don’t be afraid! The thing with dating is that, though it often hurts, it teaches invaluable lessons about who you are and who you want to be. It teaches you how to love, how to have social skills, how to forgive, how to be selfless, and how to be better than you are. Some people will say no. But don’t let that get you down. What good would it do the missionary who stopped teaching because of how often they were rejected? Better yet, what good would it do the person just waiting for a missionary to find them, the same missionary who would have found them, but gave up because it was too hard?

    Keep trying. Press forward. A date isn’t a marriage proposal. Remove the pressure from it, and you might find that it’s a lot more fun than you thought.

    Dating after your mission and dating in general does not have to be as painful or awkward as you sometimes make it. It’s a different field, a different area, and deals with a different kind of companion. But it can be just as fun, rewarding, and empowering if you let it.

  • How to not be the Eponine in Your Relationships

    How to not be the Eponine in Your Relationships

    Cover image © Universal Pictures

    Sometimes being in love is absolutely miserable. In fact, I’ve found that misery often comes hand in hand with love. That is why some of the most famous love stories are surrounded with the most terrible tragedy. A clear example is the classic story of Les Miserables, where Marius finally finds the love of his life, the perfect match to be his companion for the rest of his days, Cosette, much to the chagrin of Eponine, the girl next door with a crazy crush on the guy.

    I had the not-so-unique experience of having the boy I was crushing on (and I had assumed was crushing on me) start dating my best friend. This was the first time this had ever happened to me, and I was unprepared for the onslaught of emotions I was about to experience. I understood that my feelings of jealousy were not very Christlike. I also knew that this was not how my

    Heavenly Father wanted me to feel.

    I want to share some of the things I learned from this experience and how I overcame the jealously, something that can be difficult. These are based on my personal experience, but I hope the tips here can be applied in a variety of relationships.

    Here’s how to avoid being the Eponine in your relationships:

     

    1. Don’t play the victim.

     

    One of the reasons Eponine’s story is so tragic is that she played the victim. She immediately gave up and sang into the night that she’d never love again. She let her sorrow defeat her and she turned her own story into a tragedy. Don’t be Eponine! Your story doesn’t end here but will in fact never end. So choose to be happy. Choose to move on to greener pastures. As far as dating goes, the field is white, already to harvest. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and just think. Your future spouse is looking for you! You are going to be terribly hard to find if you are pining after your lost love or wasting away in your room. You can’t control what other people choose, but you have plenty of control over your actions and attitudes. Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtown said it best when she said, “Do you want to be really brave? Have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still smiling.” I give the same advice to you. Don’t get bogged down by your own sad story. Make your own happy ending.

    2. Your friendship truly isn’t worth it.

     

    We all felt sorry for Eponine, and we wished that Marius would wake up and choose his best friend. But he didn’t. He chose Cosette. Whether I liked it or not, my crush chose my best friend, not me, but man or no man, she’s still the same wonderful person I love and admire. Keep your friend close, and let her know you’re there for her, even though every instinct screams at you to abandon her and never speak to her again. My friend and I have always said that we’d never let a man come between us. That became easier said than done when the real test came. I chose to stand by my friend and talk honestly with her about the situation. Our relationship has never been stronger and I am so grateful I did not estrange myself from such an amazing friend.

    3. Forgive in order to forget.

     

    Like Eponine, my first instinct was to mask my hurt by convincing myself that nothing was wrong, that I was the one who made the mistake. I thought the most Christlike thing to do was to roll over and pretend that nothing had happened. I had thought that by doing that, I had forgiven them, but I didn’t realize that I never acknowledged that I had actually been hurt. I never let myself believe that they had done anything wrong, instead, that it had been all my fault. But that was keeping me from really forgiving them. Only when I recognized all the bitterness I had for these two people could I frankly forgive them in my heart. Remember, Christ’s Atonement can overcome our jealousy just as readily as it can our anger or sins. Once we have recognized and repented for our feelings of jealousy, we can feel the healing power of the Atonement help us to forget and move on.

    4. Charity is the best medicine.

     

    When I am feeling down about anything, a quick evaluation of my thought process shows that I am almost 100% focused on myself. So, the best way to combat those feelings and to gain some relief is forgetting yourself and getting lost in some service. Eponine’s story actually gives us a great lesson about charity. Eponine gave her life for Marius, and as she spent the last few minutes of her life in his arms, she remarked on how she couldn’t feel any pain. The reason being was that she didn’t do it for herself, or to make Marius feel guilty. She did it out of pure love. While we don’t have to take a bullet for someone to show charity, there are a lot of things we can and should do. Magnify your callings, go to the temple, participate in organized service activities, and be looking for small and simple ways to serve others. Charity is a surefire way to overcome your jealousy and frustration.

    5. Hope is the key!

     

    The biggest thing that made people pity Eponine was the lack of hope in her situation. It wasn’t fair that she couldn’t have her happily ever after! But the truth is, Eponine wasn’t showing any hope at all. To quote Preach My Gospel, “Hope is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm and patient perseverance.” Some were surprised to see me doing my best to manifest these attributes when I was a victim to, what I felt was, such injustice, but I knew I wasn’t the victim and I didn’t want to be the victim. All I wanted was to not feel so awful, and I knew I needed to fight my despair with hope. The pity of others will not get you through the heartache. What will get you through is the hope that comes through Christ. Have hope that the Lord has hand selected your trials to make you into the masterpiece you were destined to be. Have hope that your Heavenly Father has a wonderful life planned out for you, as long as you stay close to Him and follow His lead. Have hope that your love will come at last and that he/she will be worth the wait. So when the natural man seeks out pity, seek for hope.

    6. Let your sadness work for you.

     

    A few of you may be sitting back reading this article with a slight frown on your face. You may have thought, sure, this all sounds great in theory, but how do I get from being a brokenhearted, chocolate-consuming, Netflix addict to being myself again?

    The answer?

    Use the Atonement. When your heartbreak feels the greatest, get on your knees and pour out your soul to your Father in Heaven. Let Him know EVERYTHING you’re feeling, and express your desire to learn from your situation. Ask, “Father, what would thou have me learn from my sorrow? What would thou have me change?” At the end of your prayer, and even during the prayer, pause and let Him speak to you. Give Him time to answer your questions. Listen. You’ll find yourself drawn to understand things such as patience, faith, and forgiveness in a way you’ve never understood them before.

    After you finish your heartfelt prayer, or many heartfelt and sincere prayers, dig into the scriptures for the answers. That may seem a lot less appealing in the moment than drowning your sorrow in the latest TV series or ice cream, but it shows God that you want His advice and comfort more than that of the world’s. Getting lost in the scriptures allows us to see ourselves and our situations clearly. And who are we, really? We are powerful. We are spirit sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father. Or in other words, both you and your almost significant other is loved by your Father in Heaven. He can teach you how to love yourself and whoever it is that you need to forgive.

    Remember: Patience is the key. The Lord sees fit to try both our patience and our faith (Mosiah 23:21). The healing process that you experience may be instantaneous, but I’ve found that it often requires time. To quote Elder Uchtdorf, “Patience is far more than simply waiting for something to happen–patience requires actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort. Patience is a process of perfection.” So often, I learn much more in waiting upon the Lord than I do in the actual answer itself. Trust in Him and smile. You have the God that created the universe on your side.

    As strange as it seems right now, you will one day see this heartbreak that you’re experiencing (or experienced) as one of the biggest blessings that God has given you. Why? Because if you use the Atonement to strengthen you now, it will allow you to become more empathetic, more faithful, more charitable, and kind. It will give you the opportunity to develop your relationship with your loving Heavenly Father. It will give you experience and wisdom, and it will become a way for you to become more converted and better in all aspects of your life. I’ve found that sorrow is necessary to expand your soul, giving more room for joy later. And the joy will come.

    Of that I have no doubt.

  • Is Mormon Dating Broken?

    The dating game within the Mormon culture can seem a bit broken at times. The guy is supposed to ask the girl, but the guy doesn’t ask at all. The girl is supposed to remain calm and unassuming when asked, but the girl is so rarely asked that she automatically jumps to the conclusion that the guy must REALLY be interested. Which in turn keeps the guy from asking out any other girl for fear that by doing so his simple invitation to get ice cream will be misinterpreted as a marriage proposal.

    In the complex dance of dating within the Mormon culture, where traditional norms often clash with modern uncertainties, individuals seek clarity and guidance on matters of the heart. The intricacies of love and relationships, especially in a society bound by specific expectations, can leave many feeling perplexed. It’s here that the ancient practice of love reading can weave its magic. The cards, when interpreted by a skilled reader, offer a profound mirror reflecting desires, fears, and potential pathways. A tarot reading becomes a sacred space where questions find answers, and uncertainties transform into clarity.

    Its a vicious cycle that can be easily avoided by understanding the 5 Stages of Dating. Yes. Five. Can you guess what they are?

    Stage 1: Hanging Out

    LDS singles have this concept down cold. This is the phase where you get together in large or small groups of both males and females, and you casually get to know people. In this stage you may not have any real ties to anyone (except for maybe your “wing-man”) and so you look to see if there is anyone who seems to have that certain charisma you’ve been looking for that you can add to your list of “potentials”.

    Stage 2: Dating

    Now this is the phase where the dating game becomes broken, because it is so easily misunderstood…or forgotten altogether. Dating is the stage where you review your list of “potentials” that you made from the hangout phase and you go with one person off that list to breakfast in the morning and then perhaps, you accompany a different “potential” out to dinner the next night. Some may call that being a “player”, a term that has such a negative connotation to it; defining someone as callous and insensitive to the feelings of others, and purely in the dating game for their own selfish purposes. But, if you think about it, aren’t we all in the dating game for “selfish” purposes. The ultimate goal is to find someone to call our own, right? While in the dating stage being a “player” in the game is exactly what you want to be! Dating is the phase where you pair off and get to know someone better one-on-one. When you’re dating your commitment to a person lasts for the duration of the date, and as soon as you’ve both gone your separate ways at the doorstep, that commitment is void until plans for a future date have been made. There is no reason to define the relationship in the beginning of the dating phase. There technically isn’t a relationship to define at this point. Just relax with the help from HHC cartridges, and let things happen. There is also no need to be offended if you see your morning date on a date with someone else later that night. And there is no reason to feel guilty if your morning date sees you out with someone else at dinner either. You are DATING, you are doing exactly what you should be doing. Dating is supposed to be fun and varied, because the whole point is to narrow down your potentials.

    (The physical aspects of dating can complicate this, but that’s a conversation for another time. Mind your manners, people. Mind your manners. If you do, you shouldn’t have a problem.)

    Stage 3: Courtship

    It may seem a little old fashioned, but courting is, in fact, still a thing. The problem is that it gets confused with dating. Because people call courting “dating” which is why the dating phase gets

    forgotten. Courting is NOT dating. Courting is two people who have agreed to date exclusively so that they can get to know one another on a deeper level. This is the part of the game where you really start to invest quality time and sincere effort to see if this person is someone you are truly compatible with. If you find they aren’t, please refer back to Stage 1. But if you find yourself wanting to use the “L” word frequently and they are reciprocating that love, then you will find yourself progressing to Stage 4.

    Stage 4: Engagement

    You put a ring on it, congratulations! This is the stage where you have committed to see if this can last for eternity. This phase is where you get down to the nitty-gritty, you ask the tough questions and you answer even tougher questions. You see if you can love them for who they really are and they see if they can handle you through all the good, the bad, and the ugly. However, If you find that there are some crucial things missing in your relationship, you can still revert back to Stage 1, even if the invitations are out. It may be a tad embarrassing, there may be a lost deposit or two, there may even be some hard conversations to have, but engagement is not a binding contract of forever, and therefore, if needs be, you can still call it off. Engagement is the like the final leg of the dating game, if there is a reason you shouldn’t cross the finish line, don’t. It’s okay. It’s all part of the game. On the other hand, if everything is coming up daisies, and your love has gone beyond just mere twitterpation, and the road ahead of you looks like the best life you could possibly imagine…You graduate to Stage 5.

    Stage 5: Marriage

    Stage 5 is the highest level of commitment; his and her towels, joint bank accounts, and happily ever afters. Where you have promised everything to your spouse and to God. All the other stages lead up to this. You have gotten to know a lot of different people. You’ve seen what is out there and you are confident in the choice you have made! You have conquered the dating game and you have found someone to call yours forever, and ever, and no matter what. Marriage is a beautiful thing, and although it can be incredibly scary while you’re in the dating phase, (because you aren’t ready to get married in the dating phase) by the time you’ve gone through courting and engagement it should be one of the easiest decisions you will ever make! It will make you feel complete and euphorically happy.

    The very nature of dating makes it a rough sport. It can have you feeling like you’re walking on air one minute, and the next you will be in the depths of despair. Sometimes you may take a few hits to the head, and other times you’ll be the MVP. Someone once said “Wear a helmet.” when referring to the dating game. That is sound advice.

    The truth is, dating doesn’t have to be as hard as we make it out to be. If you play the game the way it’s meant to be played, it can be quite fun, and you might eventually win! Don’t go straight from hanging out to engagement. It doesn’t work that way, and you can’t expect it to. Remember the stages, and implement them into your game plan. By the time you hit Stage 5 it will be all worth it. Promise.

    Kandace Hatch is a snake person with over 8 years experience in the Mormon dating game before her game ended in 2009 when she married her wonderful husband, Chad. They now have two beautiful children and while she sometimes contemplates eating her young they bring her the most joy and fulfillment she could imagine. Yes, you could say that the family life suits her just fine and she is a firm believer that it suits everyone else as well.

  • How to Not Be the Mr. Collins of Your Singles Ward

    How to Not Be the Mr. Collins of Your Singles Ward

    “We are all fools in love,” author Jane Austen once eloquently penned 1 . Imagine what her reaction would be after sitting through a few YSA speed dating activities.

    The truth is that the search for love in the singles ward isn’t all that different from how it is in a Jane Austen novel. There’s the ward Mr. Darcy, whom every girl in the ward wants to date, but who, for some reason, doesn’t want to date one girl in the ward. There’s the ward Lydia Bennet, who’s too boy crazy for her own good and probably winks at all the elders passing the sacrament. There’s the stunningly beautiful and — stunningly — still single ward Jane Bennet, who all the other girls want to be. And then there’s the ward Mr. Collins.

    Oh, the ward Mr. Collins.

    If you aren’t well-versed in Austen, Mr. Collins is the “dreaded cousin” in Pride and Prejudice who is expected to both inherit the Bennet home when Mr. Bennet dies and marry one of the man’s daughters. He’s an awkward and shallow man with the tendency to make everyone in a room immediately feel uncomfortable. He uses flattery like it’s going out of style and pursues women like they are, too. Nobody really wants to date or marry Mr. Collins, and the one woman who does end up marrying him only does because she wants to move out of her parents’ basement. Romantic, eh?

    As much as I hate to say it, if you’re a young man reading this article, there’s a slight chance that you’re your ward’s Mr. Collins. You, like he, might be sabotaging your own efforts to find your eternal companion without even realizing it. And that’s a really bad thing, because THE PLAN.

    So, for the sake of your future potential dates and personal exaltation, here are a few tips on how to avoid being your ward’s Mr. Collins.

    1. Give your ward crush space.

     

    We get it. Liking a person is a pretty big deal. It makes you feel light-headed and stupid happy. Whenever you see that special someone at an activity, you just want to rush to their side and be there with them always. Though that’s an admirable desire that will serve you well in your eternal marriage, it can be a bad plan before you’ve begun dating a person, especially if that person hasn’t communicated that they like you. Most girls like to socialize and mingle with lots of people at activities, so asking to be with one all night is potential relationship suicide that might make her extremely uncomfortable. If she says yes, but she’s taking lots of “bathroom breaks” and lots of “trips to talk with her friends,” chances are she’s not into ya, man. I’m sorry.

    Say hello to that girl you think is fine. See how she’s doing. But give her some space to do her own thing. Don’t monopolize her time, but hand her a hint of how her time could be spent to keep her interested, then move on. Less is more, and in situations like this, it’s ALWAYS more.

    2. Tone down the flattery.

     

    Flattery is a two-edged sword in the world of courtship. On the one hand, most girls really love compliments, but if all you ever talk to a girl about is the violence of your affections for her, expect to get shut down pretty quickly.

    You might be a Wordsworthian wordsmith who can write sonnets in his sleep and quote Shakespeare easier than most people can count to ten. That’s definitely impressive, and once you’re in a long-term, committed relationship, you go for it. But in the beginning stages of any relationship with a girl, sincerity and simplicity usually mean a lot more than carefully constructed flattery. Just as important is making sure that you can use the same words in real life that you use when you text or message someone. Make your words sincere and make them count. Compliment her, but don’t overdo it.

    3. Control your eye contact.

     

    It’s a truth universally acknowledged that brief eye contact between two acquaintances is only a few seconds away from being socially unacceptable. Staring is not caring, guys. Staring is scaring. most of us girls have seen way too many Criminal Minds and Castle episodes to not feel uncomfortable when someone looks at us for too long. It’s certainly okay to look at the people you like — how awkward would it be to not do that? But most of us girls have seen way too many Criminal Minds and Castle episodes to not feel uncomfortable when someone looks at us for too long. Make sure all of your eye, and for that matter, physical contact is respectful. It’s best to avoid doing anything that may make another person feel uncomfortable.

    4. Respect the ‘no.’

     

    Sometimes, after you’ve mustered enough guts to ask that lady you’ve been likin’ from a distance to go on a date, you’re told ‘no.’ You might be tempted to get upset, after all, she might not even know that she could really like you some day. If you can’t know someone by one date, how can she expect to know you by none? It’s a valid point, and you may press her a bit to get the answer you want, because all elegant females just say ‘no’ to keep men in suspense, right? She couldn’t possibly actually mean no.

    Well…yes. She could, and disregarding her feelings is a bad plan.

    Though persistence is a really great quality to have — many a Darcy and Elizabeth-esque relationship has come from one person who kept trying — lack of consideration for another person’s lack of interest is not. A girl may have good reasons for declining, or she may not, but remember that she doesn’t owe you a date, because agency. The choice is hers alone to make.

    It’s okay, though. Don’t take it too personally if she says ‘no.’ Move on and search for love in other places! If a girl doesn’t want to go out with you now, she might change her mind and express interest later. Even if she doesn’t, there is many a fine and accomplished young lady to be found in the world.

    5. Make your dating life about the girls you date, not about you.

     

    When you find a fine and accomplished young lady who accepts your invitation to go on a date, make sure you don’t pull a Mr. Collins and focus only on your own needs. A Mr. Collins date might go as follows: “A’right. We’re going to go see this movie that I want to see and go to this restaurant that I really like, and we’re going to talk about what I want to talk about.”

    make sure you don’t pull a Mr. Collins and focus only on your own needs. One thing that separates Mr. Collins from Mr. Darcy is that he’s far less willing to sacrifice his own desires to make the women in his life happy. Darcy, in contrast, does whatever he can to satisfy his leading lady’s needs, and he goes out of his way to make her happy. Even when Elizabeth puts him in the Last Man in the World Whom I Could Ever be Prevailed Upon to Marry Zone and his own needs aren’t being met at all, he’s meeting hers. That right there is love, my friends.

    Too often, we go about dating thinking, “How can I satisfy myself? How can I have a date that I will enjoy?” Well, if we want to eventually have an eternal marriage that works, we’ve got to start thinking in terms of, “How can I satisfy them? How can I make this a date that they will enjoy?” For heaven’s sake, have a plan when you ask someone out, but make your date more than just the person you’re picking up to spend money on. Her needs are important, too, so forget yourself and go to work.

    6. Be yourself. Mostly.

     

    The fatal flaw of Mr. Collins was that he tried too hard to sound cool, distinguished, and attractive to people. He had a nice job and a wealthy boss and he could kind of dance, so he thought that if he talked those things up enough, girls would find him interesting. The truth is that he spent so much time trying to live up to prestige and titles, no one ever really got to know him.

    Don’t be like Mr. Collins. Don’t feel like you always need to impress people for them to like you. Just do your thing and own it. Be yourself. Make sure, however, that you’re a good, enjoyable person to be around. If “being yourself” means you settle on being rude, unsociable, creepy, or unhappy, then try to be better. Live up to the best in yourself. One day someone will fall in love with that best self. You’ve just got to help her see it and then keep working at being it. And that’s THE PLAN.

    These tips won’t solve all of your dating woes, and they won’t make you a Mr. Darcy, but they will make you less of a fool in love and maybe a bit more cool in love.