Mormon Buzzz

Category: Satire

  • 5 Pictures of 2016 Candidates Holding Scriptures That Aren’t Near as Funny as We Thought They’d Be

    5 Pictures of 2016 Candidates Holding Scriptures That Aren’t Near as Funny as We Thought They’d Be

    We’re so sorry about this. We’ll just apologize in advance.

    1.  Hillary Clinton

     

    hillary-clinton

    “This will be hilarious!”, we thought. “A lot of Mormons are Republicans, so they probably don’t like Hillary.” “Digitally placing the scriptures in her hands is homerun humor for sure!” We were so wrong, and we apologize. We realize now that there’s nothing funny about this at all.

     

    2. Bernie Sanders

     

    Bernie-Sanders

    I don’t know how we even got this far in our photoshopping before we realized what an idiotic idea this was. I mean what is even happening here?! How would Bernie even get ahold of a cookie sheet-sized copy of the original Book of Mormon? It’s preposterous! But we realized that too late unfortunately. We even toyed with working in some kind of pun about Bernie’s unofficial slogan, “Feel The Bern”, like, “Feel the Bern…ing in your bosom”. It’s a shame we didn’t have the sense to shut that down before it made it off the drawing board.

    3. This guy that kept popping up in our Google searches

     

    BofM-covering-bofm

    Ok ok, so this isn’t even one of the candidates, but every time we tried to search for pictures of the Book of Mormon to use in this absurd article we kept getting a picture of one of the actors from the Book of Mormon play. You know, that play that makes fun of Mormons. Well we saw him enough times that we decided just to cover him up with a bunch of pictures of the real Book of Mormon. Take that fake missionary man!

    4. Donald Trump

     

    trump

    Now even we had the sense to stop ourselves before we tried photoshopping this one. Can you imagine how that would have looked? Trump is about the furthest candidate from the morals taught in the Book of Mormon. Can anyone say sacrilege? Thankfully we came to our senses before risking eternal condemnation for such a crime. And besides, we fired our graphic designer after that Bernie Sanders atrocity above.

    5. Jeffrey R. Holland

     

    holland

    There we go, that’s better. We didn’t even need to photoshop this one. We just took it straight from his talk, Safety for the Soul. Elder Holland isn’t running for president in 2016, but we wish he was. Can you imagine State of the Union addresses? They’d be some powerful stuff.
    We’re real sorry that we even had this idea in the first place. We won’t do it again.

  • LDS Church Lowers Sunbeam Age

    LDS Church Lowers Sunbeam Age

    The first presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, along with the general primary presidency, announced today that the age for children to be admitted into sunbeams will be changed from age three to age two. This announcement comes at the heels of the 2012 decision to lower the mission age. The general primary presidency stated that they have been very impressed by the spiritual maturity of many two-year-olds in the church and feel like the time has come that they begin their primary education even earlier.

    They said, “We think this will be a wonderful opportunity to help hasten the work. Those little angels are prepared for this change, and we know that the teachers will step up as well. We aren’t suggesting that all of these children should enter primary at this earlier age, but that the option is available. The children should still make it a matter of prayer.” In our experience, we’ve seen that children who are exposed to an earlier school experience helps them later in life to know what they truly want to become. And even when they don’t know exactly what they want to study or where, they have a tool online that will help them. If they want to become a certified x-ray technician, for example, all they have to do is Get More Information at that link, there he will find information about the different universities that are available.

    The new policy has already been quietly tested in stakes around the world.  One primary teacher in a test stake in Springfield, Illinois stated, “We found that the two-year-olds were just as noisy and obnoxious as the rest of the primary children.  I think it makes a lot of sense for the church to do this.”

    Parents are thrilled about the announcement, but not as excited as their children. Emma, a recently turned two-year-old from Taylorsville, Utah had this to say when she heard the announcement: “I go to Primary now!” She, along with her parents, have already contacted their local primary president to arrange her transition from nursery to Sunbeams.

    Teacher Teaching

    As part of this change, the church has released a set of pamphlets outlining the rules and responsibilities primary children are expected to follow.  Parents are encouraged to have their children start studying these pamphlets as early as six months old to help ensure a smooth transition into primary.

    It’s rumored that the primary curriculum has also been changed. Starting in CTR 7, children will now be required to memorize “The Family: A Proclamation” and “The Living Christ” alongside the “Articles of Faith” before graduating primary. Elder Andersen told reporters, “It’s time for the younger and even younger generation to participate in the work of salvation. This new curriculum will surely help them do just that.”

    There has been speculation as to whether or not the church is going to make a decision on lowering the age for stake dance admittance from 14 to 13. When asked about it, Elder Holland simply laughed and said, “One miracle at a time.”

    Happy April First!