As a very shy girl growing up in a very social ward, it was common for me to hear ward members tell my parents, “Your daughter is too quiet. She should speak up more.” The truth is that I had a really difficult time with public speaking and often felt humiliated when I was put on the spot or in social situations. Rarely did I bear my testimony in church, and when I did, it was only because I felt guilty. Speaking in Sunday school or other settings took a lot of preparation and courage on my part. I just didn’t really do those things, and though I’ve changed a lot throughout the years, I still feel more at home in silence.
The truth is that many of us feel more comfortable listening and observing in church than we do speaking. We love hearing the gospel and thinking about how we can improve. In fact, we can soak in things like Sunday school classes or General Conference for hours without feeling the need or the desire to say a word. While we might be completely fine with this, our ward families sometimes find it kind of strange and don’t quite know what to make of it. In that blurry area of uncertainty, it is so easy for misjudgments to be made and misunderstanding to ruin our ward relationships. Because of that, being “the quiet one” can be really hard.
Yes, some of us may be more reserved. Yes, we might be hard to get to know because of it, but here are a few things you should realize about the quiet members of your ward:
1. We have testimonies.
Even though we might not share them that often, most of us have very healthy testimonies. We love the gospel and enjoy listening to our friends and neighbors testify of it. We learn a lot from you guys, even if you don’t think we do. It’s easy to sit on a pew during Fast Sunday and think, “Brother Jones must be a horrible sinner to never bear his testimony” or “Sister Smith obviously doesn’t have a testimony because I never see her up there.” Honestly, most of us just aren’t super comfortable with getting up or don’t have the words to say what we feel. Don’t think we don’t believe, because we do. We just express it differently sometimes.
2. We have important things to say.
Sometimes, because we don’t talk as much as the outgoing brother or sister sitting next to us, we’re easy to overlook. We get that. But just like our brothers and sisters, we have good ideas and insights, too. As quiet individuals, one of our strengths is observation. We notice needs and circumstances in the ward that others may not because we are so good at listening and paying attention. We know how to reach out to people in ways that you might not have thought of. Yes, sometimes it takes some prodding to get us to share how we feel and what we think, but what we have to say is valuable. Catch us alone and ask us person to person. Talk to us about things that we love. You might be surprised by our perspective.
3. If we seem to dislike you, we probably don’t.
Sometimes, by accident, we quiet folks can come across as stuck up, arrogant, or irritated. We might feel kind of awkward making small talk, and when we speak, you might feel like we don’t like you or don’t want to talk to you. The truth is that we probably aren’t super comfortable talking to people we don’t know really well. Keep talking with us! Keep getting to know us. For some of us, the people we admire the most are the hardest to talk to, and that may be you. Don’t assume that we hate you just because we may struggle to speak with you. Chances are we like you a whole bunch!
4. We need to feel included, too.
A lot of us quiet folks keep to ourselves. That may be because we’re pretty introverted or it might be because we don’t have many friends in our ward. Whatever the case, we need you to accept and include us, too. We need to feel like we are wanted, like we are important, and like we have valuable things to contribute. Even though we may be slightly uncomfortable in group situations, we crave feeling like somebody cares for us and wants us to be a part of their lives. Keep reaching out to us. Keep asking us how we’re doing. Even if it’s hard for us to express ourselves, we appreciate it when we are given a chance to be involved. That’s something we all need.
Comments
12 responses to “4 Things the Quiet Members of Your Ward Want You to Know”
There was one woman in my ward who I knew had an amazing testimony but was always so quiet and hard to get to know that I, too, thought she might not like me. But now she’s just been called as the new RS president. No more being quiet. The Lord works in mysterious ways.
He does indeed. 🙂 Thanks for your comment, Julie!
Arianna- your talent for writing never ceases to amaze me. Keep it up! Never stop writing 🙂
Ryan – Don’t you worry. I can’t stop. You’re great!
I especially agree that we crave to be included. In the past 5 years I’ve spent in student singles wards there’s only been 8 months where I felt a part of something bigger than my apartment.
Thanks for your comment, Josh. It can be kind of hard to feel a part of something bigger when you’re not as outgoing as everyone else. Sometimes, you’ve got to get out of your comfort zone and try things, though. It’s hard, but it’s so worth it.
Just found this site, but this article fits me 100%. It’s especially hard for me, as a convert to the church. I joined the church in 2001 after the fourth consecutive girl I had been dating that was longer than a month long relationship asked me to come to church with her. I had already been reading the BOM, and was looking for an excuse to go to church.
I know I need to get up and share my testimony to set an example for my kids, but it is hard for me to do so. I constantly wonder if my testimony is good enough. I wonder if me sharing my testimony will cause people to think of my testimony is really sincere.
Until recently I had done anything I could to avoid giving a prayer because I felt I didn’t know how to pray. Not growing up in a religious family, we never prayed, we never read the bible my parents grew up in a baptist church. It took me reading a book by Max Lucado before I was even willing to give the prayer even just in front of the Missionaries. I would always feel like I wasn’t a very good prayer person because I was not the type of person that could easily get up and give a prayer that would last 3-5 minutes. My prayers always sound like the kids that get up to give their testimony. I.E. Dear heavenly father, thank you for this day, watch over us as we do xyz, in the name of Jesus Christ Amen…
I know I’m not very good with the scriptures I don’t know most of the stories like many members in my ward because again I didn’t grow up in a religious family. I’m happy just to sit in Sunday School or EQ and just listen to what everyone else has to say.
I don’t like to read out loud I’m very self conscious about reading out loud. I know I will mess up a word and humiliate myself
I constantly feel left out as it seems like everyone already has all their friend groups setup.
Thanks for the article, it’s a perfect fit.
Hi, Chris! I’m so sorry you feel left out. I felt that way for a long time, and it was very hard. I know that the Lord strengthens our weaknesses, though. It took me years of trying to get out of my comfort zone to get to the point where I felt included. I think the important thing to remember is that if the Lord can give Enoch words to move mountains, then He can certainly do the same for you. You’ve just got to practice. Remember that you’re not praying to your ward and you’re not really even bearing your testimony to your ward, either. You’re bearing it for the Lord. You’re telling Him how much you love Him, and you’re praying to Him. I think a testimony is often found in the way you live your life, and if it’s hard for you to bear one to your kids, just make sure you’re living your life the best way possible and find ways to show them that you love the Lord. He appreciates your efforts and will not judge you for them. Remember that it was the widow’s mite in the parable that He valued the most, not all of the tithes from those who were wealthy and gave a lot. 🙂 Keep doing your best.
I have a hard time with prayers too. Even though I don’t mean to, I always end up saying the same things in the same monotonous tone. I honestly just don’t know what else to say sometimes. This past week I’ve been trying something new and maybe it will help you too.
While I’m praying I try to picture Heavenly Father standing/sitting/kneeling with us and I try to talk with love and sincerity. Too often I find myself going through the motions with no feeling behind any of the words I’m saying. And sometimes I forget that he really is listening. But by visualizing Him close to me, I am able to talk like I’m talking to a friend.
The other thing I’m trying to do is give Him credit for the many small blessings that happen in our lives. (e.g. Thank you for helping my husband make so many sales today. Thank you for the beautiful weather so that we could have a family picnic today.) The same could be said for the things we need from him. Nothing is too small or too simple.
These small changes have made a big difference for me even just in the few short days I’ve been doing them. I hope this helps and remember “pray, he is there; speak, he is listening”.
You hit the nail on the head with that article. I could relate to that completely! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for posting this! I’m quiet & introverted, but one of my daughters has pretty severe social anxiety (plus being shy & introverted). It’s been quite a challenge. Thankfully, she’s become comfortable in small groups at church (like YW), but I wish more people were aware of the challenges introverts have at church. Her 2 sisters are extroverts, so they don’t always understand, either.
Excellent column and I appreciate the comments. Forty-one years ago, I joined the church. I was the classic shy child. The author of a book called “The Shy Child” says that shyness is the fear of what we think others think about us. We do it to ourselves most of the time. But some things in my life helped me to overcome most of the shyness (notice I say most, because I still won’t say a prayer in church.) First, my senior year in high school, we were forced to take speech class. Hardest class I ever took. But when I had to give a talk, I knew how. Second, when giving talks, pick out 3 people to look at during your talk. One on the right, one in the middle and one on the left. These people should be friends who are smiling at you. That way you look like you are looking at everyone, but only see those 3 people. (I still remember the 3 people I always chose.) Third, in classes, be prepared. That means read the lesson in advance. You might pick something in the lesson that you feel you can contribute to. Prepare in advance. Fourth, don’t feel like people are judging you, because that is a part of being human. But we are to be better than that. I learned a long time ago that the only person who matters is GOD!!! They don’t matter. What they say has no consequence in your life. Picture God…Is he smiling? Then feel good. He loves you…we love you. And if you get tricked into saying a prayer, don’t sweat it. If it sounds like a child’s prayer, remember God asked us to become as little children. All the pomp and circumstance that accompanies those long, fancy prayers is overplay. It’s nice, but not necessary.